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Main Archives Stories Category: Men

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1
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Sex Fact:

A man's penis not only shrinks during cold weather but also
from intense nonsexual excitement like when his favorite team
scores a touchdown.

2
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys."
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as
I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty
solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her 12 o'clock.  She didn't seem disturbed at all.  Whew!  Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.  When I asked
her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,
then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
farted.


Sent by Inna

3
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One day my  housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he  stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the  washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He  yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb... 

4
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so
much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never
figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart.
I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a
state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.  Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me."  I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says
the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.  " She responded to my puzzled
look by saying, "Can't you just love me for  who I am and not what I do for
you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her.  We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed  department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several  different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
take so I  told her we'll just buy them all.  She wanted new shoes to
compliment her  new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings.

Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck.  I started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis  bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw  her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."  I could hardly contain myself when I
blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel  like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT??!!!"   I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a
man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over
a frozen hell.

5
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Men do have trouble hearing women

Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse -
women's voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men's.
Reports say researchers at Sheffield University in northern England have
discovered startling differences in the way the brain responds to male and
female sounds.

The research shows men decipher female voices using the auditory part of
the brain that processes music, while male voices engage a simpler mechanism.

The Daily Mail quotes researcher Michael Hunter as saying, "the female
voice is actually more complex than the male voice, due to differences in
the size and shape of the vocal cords and larynx between men and women, and
also due to women having greater natural 'melody' in their voices".
"This causes a more complex range of sound frequencies than in a male
voice," Mr Hunter said. The report says the findings may help explain why
people suffering hallucinations usually hear male voices - the brain may
find it much harder to conjure up a false female voice accurately than a
false male voice. The research is published in the specialist magazine
NeuroImage.

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