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Taking a medical history is an experience: The MD, taking a
sex-behavior history asked: "How many orgasms did you have
last week?" The answer: "Counting masturbatory ones and
I had some surgery on my shoulder about 5 or 6 years ago, and
then underwent several weeks of physical therapy. On my final
visit, the therapist gave me some exercises to do at home,
informing me I'd need a partner to help me with them. That
night my husband and I celebrated my recovery with an
especially boisterous romp in the boudoir. The next morning I
told him I had some exercises for my shoulder that I needed his
help with. With a sly grin he asked, "Did we do any of them
According to a study conducted by Kaiser Permanente,
prostitutes can suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder on a
par with veterans of the Vietnam war. I think I speak for a lot of
men when I say, "are there still volunteer spots available in this
In a study of college students, Cornell University researchers
confirmed that men generally prefer thin women to fat ones. It's
part of Cornell's new "M.Obv - Masters of the Obvious" degree
On our last vacation, my wife and I saved some money by staying in
a cheap hotel. Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds
of mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room.
At first we were amused by the amorous couple.
After five minutes it had lost its charm.
After ten minutes we were getting pretty annoyed, in that it was
keeping us awake.
After fifteen minutes, we were just plain ticked off.
After half an hour we were pretty damned impressed.
Police in New Jersey pulled over what they thought was a drunk driver and
it turned out to be a couple engaging in oral sex. The officers issued a
stern warning and a high five.
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Wonder which head?)
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a
romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the
telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a
nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we
didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!"
My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends
Were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen embarrassment for
What seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned
a surprise party again.
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her
husband, and the first time this happens, her mother
must be in the room to witness the act.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have
sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this law?)
Important Press Release:
The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now
fully Year-2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it
as: "Y2KY Jelly".
Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is
that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two."
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to
supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem
reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the
present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be
prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company
However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present
these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish
Zoo sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang bin Goncang wins "Worst Job in
Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo,has set
up a bank of sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve species.
The thankless task of collecting the sperm falls to Mr. Binatang's,
starting his rounds at 4 a.m. "We start so early in the morning because
a lot of the animals have 'morning glory' when they wake up, and it's
easier to collect the sperm.
Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice and
tupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he'd just graduated from
Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature
and animals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect
place to work.
"I never thought I'd be giving an orang-utan a hand job every morning,"
he said somewhat ruefully. "And he is the worst, he expects to be kissed
first. "As we approached the orang-utan enclosure, we saw the Zoo's most
famous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head, and
sporting a huge erection.
Applying the massage oil onto his gloves, he lingered outside the
enclosure before entering and knelt before the orange beast. About 2
minutes' worth of squelching noises could be heard before Mr.Binatang
Next the tiger enclosure, the big cats were sprawled lazily on the grass
verge, in a somewhat half-hearted manner as he put on a fresh set of
gloves and entered the enclosure. "Here, kitty, kitty,kitty..."
Moments later, he emerged with several tupperware full of viscous
"Isn't it dangerous?" we asked.
Mr. Binatang was silent for a while.
"They know I'm not there as an enemy," he finally said, a glazed,
faraway look in his eyes.
Worked his way round the zoo, finished his rounds at 3 pm in the
afternoon. Carrying out his duties with the tapirs, the rhinoceros,
giraffe and the gorillas, amongst others. "Each animal is different,"
he said, removing his gloves, now speckled with traces of polar bear
"The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is
the most tricky because of the size of its thing... sometimes I have to
use both my arms to tug on it." "As you can expect it's really
affecting my sex life.
I can't help it. Each time my wife initiates sex, these ejaculating
hippos keep floating through my mind."
How long will he stay difficult to know, but deputy assistant director
Lai Jee Seow thinks it is important to continue.
"It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over
every morning to pull them off," said "Many of them now can't be
bothered to engage in real sex."
Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon
be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a
man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no
longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to
the names of cocktails, highballs, and just a good old fashioned
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.
Also, something to think about: the long-term implications of drugs
and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few
years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than
was spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by
the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering
around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to
do with them.
The stories continue below
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry.
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?)
Arrested In A Pumpkin Patch
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male,
resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 PM
Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious
behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County
Courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and
squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At
least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview
from the County Courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out a pumpkin that he thought was appropriate for
his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his
alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he
commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the
Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of
his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure", said officer
Taylor. "I walked up to [Davidson] and he's . . . just working
away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize what
you're doing with that pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you would expect and then looked me
straight in the face and said: "'A pumpkin? Damn.... is it
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood
there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation.
I headed straight out the front door...............
There, leaning against my car, was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell
my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test"
was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
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