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Main Archives Quotes Category: Jack Handy

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1
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When I was a kid, my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After
       school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he
       would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that
       Uncle Caveman was a bear.


2
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Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big
       crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and
       flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.


3
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I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with
       urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!


4
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
       him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another
       cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."


5
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When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed
       it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each
       other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."


6
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A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
       Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.
       "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."


7
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It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even
bigger man to laugh at that man. 

     - Jack Handey, Saturday Night Live 

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