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Main Archives Quotes Category: Comics and Comedians

Page 1 (There are 14 pages of quotes in this category.) To go to a different page, click the page nums below.

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Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
   anyone going faster than you is a moron.
         George Carlin

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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
   Europe-Jackie Mason

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* Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
       think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
         1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
         2. Advising the President.
         3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
       --David Letterman

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
   miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
   the hell she is.
         Ellen DeGeneris

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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
         Carol Leifer

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I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair
   under my arms instead.
         Sue Kolinsky

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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
   you'll be afraid to cough.
         Pearl Williams

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I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
   Thegirl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
         Jay Leno

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Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words
"large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area
altogether. Trust me. 

    - Tim Allen

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"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that
       you don't need it." -- Bob Hope

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