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Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a moron.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
* Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair
under my arms instead.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
Thegirl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words
"large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area
altogether. Trust me.
- Tim Allen
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that
you don't need it." -- Bob Hope
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