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To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective:
'Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit?
Or is it a trick of perspective?'
There was a young maiden of Siam
Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
"If you kiss me, of course,
You will have to use force,-
But god knows you are stronger that I am."
There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
What they do to my wife---
Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is, they all do it well."
Have you heard of the Widow O'Riley
Who esteemed her late husband so highly
That in spite of the scandal,
Her umbrella handle
Was made of his membrum virile.
To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
A cautious young husband named Rafe
Used to diddle his wife with a safe.
Thus he thwarted God's wishes
And fed his pet fishes,
Which he kept in a bedside carafe.
A king sadly said to his queen,
"In parts you have grown far from lean."
"I don't give a damn,
You've always liked ham,"
She replied, and he gasped, "How obscene!"
Comming home at a quarter of three
I caught my wife cheating on me
I raged, "Who's this fink?"
She cried with a wink
"I don't know, It's a new one on me."
Said my wife as she stood on a rostrum,
"I don't mind if I don't have colostrum,
But I'll take an option
If your child's for adoption---
Though I cannot bear kids, I can foster 'em."
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
They got laid eighty ways---
Imagine such fucking devotion.
When she wanted a new way to futter
He greased her behind with butter;
Then, with a sock,
In went his jock,
And they carried her home on a shutter.
Holy mother full of grace,
Bless my boyfriends sexy face,
keep him from the girls I hate,
For we were meant to be soul mates,
Sent by L&S
A bobby of Nottingham Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function
Deceived his good wife
For the rest of her life
With the aid of a constable's truncheon.
My wife Myrtle's womb has a habit
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What's more, my wife Myrtle
Is so wonderously fertile,
That she's giving me kids like a rabbit.
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
My wife, when I traveled away,
Made sly extramarital hay,
And partied for hours
With chosen endowers,
And often came back the next day.
A pathetic appellant at Reno
Was as chaste as the holy Bambino,
For she'd married a slicker
Who stuck to his liquor
And scorned her ripe maraschino
A young wife in the outskirts of Tass
Preferred frigging to going to mass.
Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
Or any young cock,
For I cannot live up to your ass."
A man loved a gal named Bundy
Who came from the Bay of Fundy.
But to his despair,
She gave him the air
Sic transit gloria mundi.
Said an ardent young bridegroom named Trask,
"I will grant any wish that you ask,"
Said the bride, "Kiss me, dearie,
Until I grow weary,"
But he died of old age at the task.
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