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Things not to Say During Sex



1. but everybody looks funny naked!


2. you woke me up for that?


3. did I mention the video camera?


4. do you smell something burning?


5. (in the janitor's closet) and they say romance is dead....


6. can you please try breathing through your nose.


7. a little rug burn never hurt anyone.


8. is that a Medic-Alert pendant?


9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?


10. but whipped cream makes me brake out.


11. person 1: this is your first time...right?
person 2: yeah.. today


12. (in the No Tell Motel) hurry up! this room rents by the hour!


13. can you pass me the remote control?


14. do you accept Visa?


15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


16. on the second thought, let's turn off the lights.


17. and to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.


18. so much for mouth-to-mouth


19. (using body paint) thry not to leave any stains, o.k.?


20. hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...


21. (holding a banana) it's just a little trick I learned at the zoo.


22. do you get any premium movie channels?


23. try not to smear my make-up, will ya'?


24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) but I just steam cleaned
this coach!


25. got any penecillin?


26. but I just brushed my teeth...


27. smile, you're on candid camera!


28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!


29. I want a baby!


30. so much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!


The list continues below

 


31. (in a menage a trois) why am I doing all the work?


32. maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...


33. did you know the ceiling needs painting?


34. i think you have it on backwards.


35. when is this supposed to feel good?


36. put the blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!


37. you're good enough to do this for a living.


38. is that blood on the headboard?


39. did I remember to take my pill?


40. are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?


41. I wish we got the Playbot channel...


42. that leak better be from the water bed!


43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!


44. but my cat always sleeps on that pillow.


45. did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?


46. if you quit smoking you might have more endurance.


47. no, really.. i do this part better myself.


48. it's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate myself.


49. this would be more fun with a few more people.


50. you're almost as good as my ex!


51. do you know the definition of statutory rape?


52. is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?


53. you look younger than you feel.


54. perhaps you're just out of pracrice.


55. you sweat more than a galloping stallion...


56. they're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.


57. now i know why s/he dumped you...


58. does your husband own a sawed off shot-gun?


59. you give me a reason to concluded that foreplay is overrated?


60. what tampon?


61. have you ever considered liposuction?


62. and to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!


63. what are you planning to make for breakfast?


64. I have a confession...


65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home.


66. are those real or am I just behind that times?


67. were you by any chance repressed as a child?


68. is that a hanging sculpture?


69. you'll still vote for me, won't you?


70. did I mention my transsexual operation?


71. I really hate women who actually think sex means nothing!


72. did you come yet, dear?


73. I'll tell you I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...


74. a good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time.


75. does this count as a date?


76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you.


77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.


78. I think biting is romantic - don't you?


79. Q: you can cook, too right?
A: (whaddaya think I'm doin'?)


80. when would you like to meet my parents?


81. Man: maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: yourself?


82. have you seen "fatal attraction"?


83. sorry about the name tags, I'm not to good with names.


84. don't mind me... i always file my nails in bed.


85. (in a phone booth) do you mind if I make a few phone calls?


86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.  do you have a light?


87. don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman.


88. sorry but I don't do toes.


89. you could at least act like you're enjoying it!


90. petroleum jelly or no petroleum jely, I said no!


91. keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.


92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for the Enquirer.


93. so that's why they call you Mr. Flash!


94. my old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer.


95. is this a sin too?


96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlin!


97. hey, when is it going to be my freinds turn?


98. long kisses clog my sinuses.


99. pleases understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...


100. how long do plan to be "almost there"?


101. you mean you're not my blind date?


  
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