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Steven Wright One-Liners



1. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I've
forgotten this before.


2. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.  I mimic my shadow.


3. I was once walking through the forest alone.  A tree fell right in front of me
-- and I didn't hear it.


4. He asked me if I knew what time it was.  I said, "Yes, but not right now."


5. I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into
another dimension.


6. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.  No
brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.


7. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.  So I'm going to move to New
York.


8. I like to reminisce with people I don't know.


9. I like to skate on the other side of the ice.


10. I'm so hyper...  (Said with a very dull voice.)


11. If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.


12. Four years ago...  No, it was yesterday. Today I...  No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I...  No, I don't.


13. Is it weird in here, or is it just me?


14. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish you were here."


15. Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for
a satellite picture.


16. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...


17. Sorry, my mind was wandering.  One time my mind went all the way to Venus on
mail order and I couldn't pay for it.


18. I have a map of the United States...  Actual size.  It says, "Scale:  1 mile =
1 mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I also have a full-size map of the
world.  I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".


19. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.


20. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.


21. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.


22. You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?


23. I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on all the
beaches of the world...  Perhaps you've seen it.


24. It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.


25. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.


26. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."


27. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.


28. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.


29. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With
Pail...  Kitten On Fire.


30. One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by
children.  They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.


The list continues below

 


31. Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food.  My
argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous.  Besides, I
haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.


32. One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab.  The movie cost me $95.


33. I went to the cinema, and the prices were:  Adults $5.00, children $2.50.  So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl."


34. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.


35. I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it.


36. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.


37. I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.


38. Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle,
Washington.  One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I
swim without getting wet?"  Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy
and drinking straight Bosco on the job.


39. I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.  The clerk said,
"ten-four."


40. I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies."  So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...


41. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."  He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."


42. I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."


43. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape
of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had
to buy them again.


44. I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and
said, "Can I help you?"  And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?"  He
said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?"  I said, "You started
this."


45. I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone bought anything today.


46. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.


47. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.


48. Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl.
She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.


49. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...  I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.  Then I filled my humidifier with wax,
and now my room is all shiny.


50. Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it...


51. I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I laid down in
front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.


52. My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...


53. I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  It types in pencil.


54. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.


55. I invented the cordless extension cord.


56. Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings.  Whenever I get lonely I
open it up just a bit and I get a call.  One time I dropped the box all over
the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected.  I
bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an
irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it.


57. I saw a close friend of mine the other day...  He said, "Steven, why haven't
you called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no
five on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...
My calendar has no sevens on it."


58. I  plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They
went "Aaaaahhhh..."


59. Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said, "Hello?"  And I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They said, "Uh...  I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."


60. I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said,
"They're behind the couch."  And they were!


61. Last week I bought a new phone.  I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the
wall...  Pressed redial.  The phone had a nervous breakdown.


62. I got an answering machine for my phone.  Now when I'm not home and somebody
calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.  I like to leave messages
before the beep.


63. I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this...


64. I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.


65. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned them to my
friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."


66. I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is  playing so I bought the
album.


67. I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about everything.


68. What's another word for Thesaurus?


69. Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song? The guy who
wrote that song wrote everything.


70. My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in 1912...  Well,
to make a long story short ...


71. I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill
in the rest.


72. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.


73. I wrote a few children's books...  Not on purpose.


74. I just got out of the hospital.  I was in a speed reading accident.  I hit a
book mark and flew across the room.


75. I installed a skylight in my apartment....  The people who live above me are
furious!


76. All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...  With a pricing gun...  She said, "Give me all of the money
in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."


77. While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom.  They
put it in *exactly* the same  place it was.  When I told my roommate, he said:
"Do I know you?"


78. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman
in Germany.  She said, "Cut it out."


79. Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...  It feels real."


80. In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...  So I never
have to go upstairs.


81. One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.


82. All the  plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was torturing
them by watering them with ice cubes.


83. Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick.


84. I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it.  I write right on the bill,
"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."


85. My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.


86. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.


87. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it around for a while.  I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived.  I said, "right
here, officer".  Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"


88. My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.


  
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