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Shitisms



1. Taoism: Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow
with it.


2. Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it
happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one
with she-it). Please this flower and buy our shit.


3. Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens". Confucious says, "If shit has
to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."


4. Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it isn't
really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time.


5. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?


6. Sixth Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturdays.


7. Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before. This shit is not a
religion, it is the way of life. This shit happening IS you.


8. Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else. If shit
happens, praise the lord for it!


9. Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.


10. Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession.


11. Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.


12. Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.


13. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. You were born shit, you are
shit, and you will die shit.


14. Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we
love you anyway.


15. Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Why does shit always happen
just before closing the deal?


16. Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?


17. Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit happens, take
a hostage. We don't take any shit.


18. Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit!


19. New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it. Sheeeeeeeeeeit! Were all part of
the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.


20. Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess makes
shit happen.


21. Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon. There is only a
limited amount of good shit. Knock Knock, "Shit Happens." Here, we insist
you take our shit. Shit happens door to door.


22. Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.


23. Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.


24. Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray. Shit
doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will take
care of itself. Shit happens in your mind.


25. Atheism: I don't believe this shit! It looks and smells like shit, so I'm
damned if I'm going to taste it. Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead. No shit!


26. Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched,
or tasted it. But it's shit.


27. Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm
not sure whether its shit or not. What is this shit?! How can we KNOW if
shit happens? You can't prove any of this shit!


28. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit, mon.


29. Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it. Excrement happens. (you can't say
'shit' in Utah) Hey, there's more shit happening over here! Our shit is
better than your shit. Shit happens again & again & again ...


30. Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and happens and happens and ...


The list continues below

 


31. Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. We'll
wash the shit right off you.


32. Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord!


33. Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!


34. Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick
some pins in this shit! This shit's gonna get you!


35. Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop
happening...


36. Unitarianism: What is this Shit? We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go
ahead, shit anywhere you want. It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.


37. Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.


38. Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's.


39. EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen. You're responsible for all
the shit that happens.


40. Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. Shit happens, but don't
publish it.


41. Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.


42. Amish: Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless.


43. Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.


44. Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.


45. Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me.


46. Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.


47. Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?


48. Mysticism: This is really weird shit.


49. Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.


50. Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.


51. Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?


52. Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you. We will make your shit
happen.


53. Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen!


54. Scientology: All this happens to be shit. If you leave us, bad shit will
happen to you.


55. Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!


56. Sikhism: Leave our shit alone.


57. Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.


58. Branch Davidianism: May shit happen to the FBI! If shit happens, have a BIG
barbecue...


59. Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)


  
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