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I Get No Respect



1. "Good crowd...good crowd.  I'm telling you I could use a
good  crowd. I'm ok now  but last week I was in rough
shape... Why?  I looked up my family tree and found out I
was the sap."


2. "I come from a stupid family.  During the Civil War my great
Uncle fought for the west!"


3. "My father was stupid.  He worked in a bank and they caught
him stealing pens."


4. "When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room
and said to my father...I'm very sorry.  We did everything
we could...but he pulled through."


5. "My mother had morning sickness after I was born."


6. "My mother never breast fed me.  She told me that she only
liked me as a friend."


7. "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came
with his wallet."


8. "When I  played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."


9. "I could tell that my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio."


10. "Some dog I got too.  We call him Egypt because he leaves a
pyramid in every room."


11. "What a dog I got.  His favorite bone is in my arm!"


12. "I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."


13. "One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control."


14. "I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a
piece of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof"


15. "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.
He was in the electric chair."


16. "I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."


17. "I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning"


18. "Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents.  I said to him...Do you think  we'll
ever find them.?  He said..I don't know kid.. there are so
many  places they can hide."


19. "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a
window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to
talk to me.  He said.. On your mark..."


20. "On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like
me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off!  Now it's
different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."


21. "When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a
picture of me."


22. "I had a lot of pimples too.  One day I fell asleep in a
library.  I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."


23. "My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next Tuesday"


24. "One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle
my bag.  He felt up my wife!"


25. "It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the
lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"


26. "Last week my tie caught on fire.  Some guy tried to put it
out with an ax!"


27. "For two hours...some guy followed me around with a pooper
scooper."


28. "I met the surgeon general.  He offered me a cigarette!"


29. "This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the
Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me."


30. "A travel agent offered me a 21 day special.  He told me I
would fly from New York to London.  Then from Tokyo back to
New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London
to Tokyo?...He told me..That is why we give you  21 days."


The list continues below

 


31. "Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in
Hawaii...No days..just nights."


32. "My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me
absolutely no good."


33. "They say...Love thy neighbor as thy self... What am I
supposed to do? jerk him off too?"


34. "At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap.  His fly was open.
Boy...what a present he gave me!"


35. "My sex life is terrible.  My wife put a mirror over the
dog's bed...Actually she did put the mirror over our bed.
She says she likes to watch herself laugh."


36. "I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."


37. "My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she
used me to time an egg".


38. "My wife isn't very bright.  The other day she was at the
store and just as she  was heading for our car, someone
stole it!  I said...did you see the guy that did it?  She
said ... No, but I got the license  plate."


39. "I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage.  She
said...Why should I... you never put out for me."


40. "I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex.  She
said...No, one drag is enough."


41. "I got myself good this morning too.  I did my push ups in
the nude...but I didn't see the mouse trap."


42. "A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody
home.  I went over... Nobody was home!"


  
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