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Greeting Cards You Will Never See in the Hallmark Store

1. Front:   I heard you have gone deaf.
Inside:  I'll bet you didn't.

2. Front:   I'm sorry to hear you have gone blind.
Inside:  See you later, you fucking bastard!

3. Front:   I'm sorry to hear you are brain dead.
Inside:  It's really not that bad when you think about it.

4. Front:   My sympathies on the last of your father's teeth falling out.
Inside:  Well, dadgummit!

5. Front:   My condolences on the loss of your arms.
Inside:  Write back soon!

6. Front:   I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease.
Inside:  I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease.

7. Front:   I heard that you were very sick.
Inside:  I hope that you die painlessly.

8. Front:   I heard you were dead.
Inside:  I hope it was painless.

9. Front:   I heard your whole family got shot.
Inside:  So I turned up the volume on the stereo.

10. Front:   Congratulations on your first period!
Inside:  Let's go out and paint the town red!

11. Front:   Thank God you aren't pregnant!
Inside:  I might have had to admit I've had sex with *you*.

12. Front:   I heard that you attempted suicide.
Inside:  Wishing you luck and success in all that you do.

13. Front:   After all these years, it was good to run into you again.
Inside:  Thank God this time you didn't leave as much blood on my bumper!

14. Front:   I was sorry to hear that your dog ran away.
Inside:  Next time try cooking him a little longer.

15. Front:   They told me you were constipated.
Inside:  No shit?

16. Front:   Wishing you a speedy recovery from your accident.
Inside:  Look forward to seeing you in court!

17. Front:   Get well soon.
Inside:  I am sick of walking two miles to get water.

18. Front:   Congratulations on finally getting a life.
Inside:  Now get ready to lose it.

19. Front:   Hot damn!
Inside:  I'm sorry to hear that your house burned down.

20. Front:   Congratulations on your weight loss!
Inside:  It's a shame you had to saw off your legs to do it.

21. Front:   When life deals you a hard blow...
Inside:  So can I, big boy.

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