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Actual label instructions on consumer goods
1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
2. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
(the shoplifter special?)
3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
Don 't turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???...)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)
14. On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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