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New Guidelines for Employees
1. DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise.
2. SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
employee here, you need all your organs. You should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of
4. PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
5. VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time
every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1,
July 4, and December 25.
6. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for deceased friends, relatives, or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your work is done.
7. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require
at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train
your own replacement.
8. RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going once
each day, in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A'
will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin
with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, and the stall door will open.
9. LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to
eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size
people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance
meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people
get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
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