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Today's jokes [7.23.17]

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    A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are
   charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in
   the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!",
   the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and
   said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
   "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who
   continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an
   electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge
   thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right
   now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next
   to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool
   when I needed to borrow one!"


1. 




Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her 
constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a 
week." 
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. 
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the 
morning and again at night." 
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."  

2. 




If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women
around to hear him, is he still wrong?

3. 




What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

4. 




A Psychiatrist is just a Jewish doctor who can't stand the sight of blood.

5. 



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