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Today's jokes [8.17.17]

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    You have to read the whole thing:

   The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for
   the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
   1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
   delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
   have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
   men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
   are part of the warm welcome needed.
   2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
   when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
   be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be
   a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a
   lift.
   3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
   the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books,
   toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband
   will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give
   you a lift too.
   4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
   hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
   change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to
   see them playing the part.
   5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
   of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children
   to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be
   glad to see him.
   6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
   complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
   what he might have gone through that day.
   7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
   suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready
   for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in
   a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and
   unwind.
   8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
   moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
   9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
   dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
   his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
   10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
   your husband can relax.
   *********************************************************
   Now the updated version for the '90s woman.
   1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
   becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where
   you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day
   has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
   2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way
   home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming
   irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his
   credit card!)
   3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know
   you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any
   miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in
   the Goodwill box in the garage.
   4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
   5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the
   washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the
   noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him
   with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
   6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
   speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and
   remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's
   late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the
   cooking and the cleanup.
   7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy
   blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.
   8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
   9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage
   disposal fixed.
   10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him
   that you make more money than he does.


1. 




Some professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl 
enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked 
children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you 
the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 
you will look forward to the trip.



2. 




Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

3. 




How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck?

If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at the
same time and still know which one to spit out.

4. 




   A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
   On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel
   tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent
   leading the tour, what the camel was for.
   
   The Sargent replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the
   men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the
   camel."
   
   The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's
   all right with me."
   
   After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could
   not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
   
   The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's
   quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous
   sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and
   was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the
   enlisted men do it?"
   
   The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into
   town."
   


5. 



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