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Today's jokes [2.24.18]

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A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of 
the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got 
a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist 
and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented 
offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing 
their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for 
their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local 
drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his 
coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his 
purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate 
was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock 
train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody 
up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to 
get up." 

1. 




Q: What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?
A: He threw some nails down on the counter and asked,
   "Can you put me up for the night?"


2. 




                            Satanic Barney Proof
     
   
 Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
 Prove: Barney is satanic

         The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for
         printing, meaning the Roman representation would for
         Barney would be: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

         CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

         Extracting the Roman numerals, we have:
         CV    V  L  DI    V

         And their decimal equivalents are:
         100 5 5 50 500 1 5

         Adding those numbers produces: 666.

         666 is the number of the Beast.

 Proved: BARNEY IS SATAN!

                                          oI=vo
                                        ?/$="'"  """^SATAN$~\
                                      .&?/'              `""$$,
                                    ,/?/'       /-"^\.   .-=~\T,
                                  ,/?/'        /SATAN|  |\IS,&'    |LT
               `\?\\      ``\?\^I/HATE@:~:$=v\.    `$k==v\.??\,         `\d `\$
$'9P'I-LOVE=SATAN\/$$~?$\     ,R/
  /$?~^'"""""`"\\&&< ?b               "`~$P:c: /v==v,#::?<<&:'T|   d$/'
  [|:.             ""=o/&.                ,P    o&Z'`'.##| |MH\|| ,$$'
  `=:$H&=\.           `"b?b.             .&'    96*.-v.:?/`\==$&?$&*'
       `^$?\.           `*&*\\          ,P       ?~-~'      |$$S>'
          `\7b           ,T/\&&\.      d?                    |T'
            \/b         .&J'  `\>     d'                      T,
             &`L        /||          ?|                        ?,
             ||9       J\T           H                          ?,
              H||     ||/           ||                           9,
              ||M     PJ'           ||                           `H
               bT,   ||T            ||                            ||
               T/L   H||            `b                             M
                &T,  M|              9,                            9
                `L9, M|              `&.                           |
                 `?*,9||              `b                           d
                  `\?(|H.              `b                          ?b
                   `*\ `&.              `\.                       J*|b
                     `\o/\.              `&.                     ,P 9/L
                        9:&.              `9\                   ??  `H9.
                         *?9\               `b                .&'    |/|
                          `|`\.              `L             ./'      `|H
                          d\/qZbo.            M          .,='        ,|T
                 ./~&$$?=??/' `"=H$|          H       .o=''          J\|
                ,*/''  `\?        `'        ./?ov=="*b9,            ,$P
               ,Td                         ,$$'`'    ?|M           ,$/
               J||                       ,$?/         M||         ?$/
               M||         |>\.     .,~9$''          T||        d'M.
               9`|         `Hi:R&:&&6&="'           ./$J|       `^"\Z\.
               ||M          `=Z\:""                 H|T"            `&H&>v
                bT,    ..   v,?|\                   M||               .:Z|&\.
                ||H  DEATH~>TO9H|                  `?*\              ?$`#'H
                 9ALL|1KIDS*  .$/                    `bZ&\       ,o\&KILL&/'
                  \?$.:?ooo/*""'                       `\$$b   |\MAIM*:./'
                   `"""'  `'                              `~?&qDESTROY#/'
  


3. 




One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up
behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said, "I'm
going to kiss you if you can't tell me who I am in three guesses."
She quickly answered, "George Washington!  Thomas Jefferson!
Abraham Lincoln!"

4. 




A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a 
big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all 
gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..." 

5. 



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