Today's jokes [5.21.19]
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Age IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of
the party was "war".
The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an
atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen
bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says,
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked
why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"
The following statements were found on patient's charts
during a recent review of medical records. These statements were
written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid)
a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
1989 when she got a divorce."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." "Bleeding
started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his
family in no distress."
John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice
on the ot other end says, "This is Susan. We met a party
about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took
me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You
told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly
kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
It was far out of reach.
A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't
hesitate to ask."
The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck
"Be my guest!", said the elephant.
So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees
above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started
to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting
the elephant on the head.
"OUCH!", said the elephant.
Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"
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