Today's jokes [9.22.19]
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Dec. 8 5:00 p.m. - It's starting to snow, the first of
the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat
by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging
to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.
Dec. 9 - We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight.
Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel.
I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it.
I did both our driveway and our sidewalks. Later the
snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back.
I shoveled it again.
Dec. 12 - The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh
well, I'm sure we'll get a little more before this lovely
winter is over.
Dec. 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature
dropped to about 0 degrees. Shoveled the sidewalk and
driveway again. Shortly the snowplow came by and did his
Dec. 15 - Sold our car and bought a 4x4 Blazer so we could
get through the snow. Bought snow tires for the truck.
Dec. 18 - Fell on my Ass on the ice in the driveway. $23.00
to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God! The
damn sky is getting dark again.
Dec. 19 - Still cold (-10 this a.m.) Icy roads making for
very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife's
car. Probably a $100.00 damage or so. She's pissed-off.
Dec. 20 - Had another 14 inches of the white shit last
night. More shoveling in store for me today. That damned
snowplow came by twice.
Dec. 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas because
another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this
freezing weather it won't melt till August! Got all dressed
up to go out and shovel that shit again. (Boots, snowsuit,
jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc...) then got the urge to
Dec 24 - If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.
I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shovelling and then comes down the street 100 miles
an hour and throws that white shit everywhere.
Dec. 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS... they predict 12 more inches of
the fucking white stuff tonight. Does anyone know how many
damned shovels full of snow 12 inches is? To hell with
Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white shit. The
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him
with my ice axe.
Dec. 28 - We got 11 more inches. I must be going snowblind
or have a severe case of depression.
Dec. 29 - The toilet froze and the roof is starting to
cave-in. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow.
Dec. 30 - I torched the damned house ... moving back to
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day
complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly
dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards."
said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to
give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10
hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said,
"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to
give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried
to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from
down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor,
"I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick
Mr. Smith's boil!"
How do you get an elephant out of the water?
How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.
The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman
just passing and said, "Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?"
In a strident voice she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that
every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled,
"I just asked the time, miss."
In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, "I will call the police if you
say another word!"
Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened
to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and
wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a
quiet voice, she said, "I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you,
but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis
on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements."
The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed,
"You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?"
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A
pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics
save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
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