Today's jokes [1.18.18]
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Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark
attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend
that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at
the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them
on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then
consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments,
"Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man
replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic
bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.
A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their
deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let
somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer
from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it." The guy goes to his own
blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind
nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's
hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just
lemme get my saddle off it!"
Q: Why do women wake up with a brain the size of a pea?
A: It swells up over night.
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