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Today's jokes [11.20.17]

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    A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
   for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him
   think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question,
   but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear
   your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi,
   told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of
   the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman,
   about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding
   night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to
   your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
   advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to
   your navel. The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my
   problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get
   screwed."


1. 




Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of 
lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His 
partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

2. 




What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?



A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawl.

Sent by Josh

3. 




   An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
   girls house. One
   day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting
   the girl. He holds up
   the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game,
   and only boys can have a
   football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her
   mother, "I want a football!"
   Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.
   The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on
   his bike. She holds up
   the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah". The little boy angryly points to his
   bike and says, "Oh
   yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you
   can't have one!" She
   runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys
   bike.
   The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to
   his most private of
   parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you
   one!!!". The next
   day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which
   she promptly pulls
   up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me
   that as long as I have
   one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
   


4. 




Why'd the monkey fall outta the tree? 

'cause he was dead...

Why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree? 

'cause he was dead too...

Why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?

peer pressure...

5. 



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