Today's jokes [1.18.20]
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Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own
defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what
will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and
living in South America. He managed to wrangle a 'once-in-a-lifetime'
interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where
Hitler was living. He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it
was Adolf Hitler, looking very old. He interviewed him, asking him all
sorts of questions, and as a final question, asked "What are you doing now,
in the twilight of your life?"
Hitler replied "Hah! Twilight of my life! I'll have you know that I am
secretly putting together the 4th Reich, right here in South America! This
time we'll do it right. We have a foolproof plan - this time we will kill
EVERY JEW in the world - and 6 MEXICANS!!!".
The journalist asked "...but...but....but why 6 MEXICANS??"
Hitler jumped to his feet and yelled "SEE, I TOLD THEM THAT NO-ONE GIVES A
SHIT ABOUT THE JEWS!"
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner
wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened.
"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his
"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I
thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that
every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went
over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I
called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And
the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"
Here's one that my roommate and myself did to a residence buddy. One
morning (early) we taped together a bunch of sheets of newspaper to cover
the victims doorframe. Then taped this big sheet over the doorframe which
left a gap of about two or three inches between the sheet and the door.
Then we filled the gap with paper balls right to the top of the doorway.
When he opened the door he was showered with a barrage of paper balls (makes
a nice mess too!) Of course, the door has to swing in for this to work!
My roommate was (and is) rather inventive and can be quite nasty. He buttered
all of the toilet seats in our wing of the residence (fortunately told me
first). He also buttered doorknobs at one point. We wrapped celophane over
the toilet bowl then replaced the seat: this one can be really messy!
Try this: hang a shower curtain out a window. When the person below reaches
out and pulls it in, pour a bucket of water onto the shower curtain. Listen
to hear the results. Requires a nosy neighbor below you.
Six friends of mine and myself tried a less complicated version of the classic
dismantling of a car and putting it back together somewhere strange. We lifted
a friends car that was parked between two other cars and turned it so that the
front and back end were facing the neighboring cars. This posed quite a problem
for our friend when he decided to go home. Requires either a small car or a lot
of very strong people! :-) I take no responsibility for any back injuries that
result from this. Of course I take no responsibility for any of my actions. :-)
There are, of course, some fairly standard pranks that are pulled in residence.
Typically, people are shafted on their birthday which is therefore a hazardous
date to reveal. Total demolition of a room is quite common, but lacks any real
humor. A common shaft is to remove everything from the victims room and set it
up somewhere else exactly as it was. The best examples I saw of this were: a
room moved to the roof of a science building, a room moved to the front
courtyard of the residence (really funny when it started to snow!) and a room
moved to the dining hall.
When I was younger, I had a practical joke genius for a working companion. We
both worked in the same computer store for a while. He left and became manager
of another store. I remember receiving an envelope with his firms return address
on it. Inside was a very silly brochure. I said aloud "There has to be something
else in this envelope". So I looked and of course there was a sheet of paper.
It read "No there is nothing else in this envelope!" I could never get him back
for anything that he pulled but he was an inspiration. The last practical joke
that I will relate was one that he taught me and it requires a bit of time to
prepare. First you need: iodine cristals and some amonium hydroxide. Mix the
two together and a brown sludge will form. Drain off the excess liquid and let
the sludge dry. The result? Snap powder, a pressure sensitive explosive. Just
sprinkle this on the floor and watch people's reactions. Its quite amusing.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
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