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Today's jokes [1.18.18]

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Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.


"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark 
attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend 
that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as 

"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump." 


A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at 
the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them 
on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then 
consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, 
"Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man 
replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic 
bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.


A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their 
deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let 
somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer 
from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it." The guy goes to his own 
blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind 
nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's 
hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just 
lemme get my saddle off it!"


Q: Why do women wake up with a brain the size of a pea?
A: It swells up over night.


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