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Today's jokes [1.18.19]

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   I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in
   the United States
   each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.
   


1. 




Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A: An infected pussy on your organ.


2. 




Q: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
A: Not today, we already dug her three times this week.


3. 




Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I
am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace,
where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I
am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am
the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is
Bill Clinton?" 

4. 




One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother 
was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off 
the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, 
will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave 
him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep 
in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice 
saying, "The big sissy."

5. 



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