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Main Archives Jokes Category: Men

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81
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How do men sort their laundry? 

     "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". 

82
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There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving.
They'd be wrong, but you could still use them. 

83
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Men are like...

Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and
potentially violent, but they make great pets. 

84
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There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:

"don't" and "stop". 

85
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What's the difference between women and men? 

     One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness. 

86
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There were two guys walking down the street
and they saw a dog licking his nuts.
One of the guys said. "Man I wish I could do that".
Then the other guy said, "Man that dog will bite you!"! 

87
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Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you're ugly."



88
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How do you scare a man? 

     Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. 

89
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What food best describes a man? 

     Jerky 

90
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Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex? 

     Because he's plugged into a woman! 

91
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Why did God give men larger brains than dogs? 

     So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. 

92
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These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they 
would never have anything to do with women again.  They 
were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as 
far north as they could go and never look at a woman 
again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told 
him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one 
year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each 
one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur 
around the hole.  The guyssaid "What's that board for?"  
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no 
women and you might need this."

They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"  The 
trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you 
don't use themI'll refund your money next year.  "Okay," 
they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said 
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."  
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a 
partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him" said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board."

93
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Q:    How do u get 4 gay men to sit on 1 stoll?

A:    you turn it over!

Sent by gms38

94
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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I 
have a problem!" 

"What's the problem, Eve?" 

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful 
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious 
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." 

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. 

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." 

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man 
for you." 

"What's a 'man', Lord?" 

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, 
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you 
properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger 
and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at 
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed 
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." 

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. 

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt 
stick. But, you can have him on one condition." 

"What's that, Lord?" 

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

95
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Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted 
from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, 
"but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 
'Take a clean dish and....'"


The jokes continue below

 


96
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Whats the difference between pink and purple?


                     Your grip.

97
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How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
      
-Both of them.

98
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If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women
around to hear him, is he still wrong?

99
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The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers"
- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a
bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the
way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken
three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.


Tuesday

Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety
five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat
whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.


Wednesday

Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at
El Flasho's
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for
scraps


Thursday

Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
sack forleftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.


Friday

Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.


Saturday

Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.


Sunday

Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room.

100
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A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a
costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out
a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

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