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Main Archives Jokes Category: Men

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1
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   A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best
   friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My
   God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"


2
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   Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tired
   of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing
   shabby clothes."
   
   "Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same
   reasons."


3
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Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that
   as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the
   house.
   
   Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.


4
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   I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
   It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
   
                     They have no wife to go home to...
                                or they do.


5
Email Friend
 

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the
middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and 
grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. 
After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and 
water.  On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst 
and  starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in 
the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an 
oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old
genie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, 
yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long 
time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE 
wish and then  I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one". The first guy, 
without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we 
can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine" said the genie, and he 
instantly turned the  entire ocean into beer.
"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy 
in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"


6
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Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this 
gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next 
to her.  He buys her a drink and then another and then another. 
After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back 
to his place for a "good time."

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn 
into a slut after 3 drinks, you  know!"

"OK,"  replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

7
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Guyness Quiz

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
   are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
   friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
   device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
   supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
   eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
   to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
   miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
   for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
   really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
   you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
   you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
   male's trachea!  I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
   run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:


   (1) He is legally within the basepath,
   (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
   (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
       cause fractures.


5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
   cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.


7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
   Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
   football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
   blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
   longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
   She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
   believe that you have some kind of future together.  What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
   don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
   honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
   commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
   seventeen.


8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
   to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
   sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
   opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may.  How do you
   tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
   and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
   stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
   get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to her
   is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
   so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
   your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
   has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
   the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
   but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
   underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
   have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
    fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
    before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
   finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.



8
Email Friend
 
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My 
name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a 
WIFE."

Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"

She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

9
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"Jim will not be in today.  He is not feeling himself.  Thank you."

THIS MEANS:

1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness
   to fake.
10. He is feeling others.

:) by Jennifer Schmidt and Nick Gass
JenSch@aol.com

10
Email Friend
 
Seminars for Men



                               COURSE 001      Combating Stupidity
                            COURSE 002      You Too Can Do Housework
                    COURSE 003      PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
                             COURSE 004      How To Fill An Ice Tray
                 COURSE 005      We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

          COURSE 006      Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)
          COURSE 007      Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM
                   COURSE 008      Parenting:  It Doesn't End With Conception
                           COURSE 009      Get A Life:  Learn To Cook
           COURSE 010      How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong

                         COURSE 011      Understanding Your Incompetence
                              COURSE 012      YOU:  The Weaker Sex
                             COURSE 013      Reasons To Give Flowers
                           COURSE 014      How To Stay Awake After Sex
           COURSE 015      SEX 101:  You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

            COURSE 016      SEX 102:  Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower
                         COURSE 017      How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
                 COURSE 018      The Remote Control:  Overcoming Your Dependency
                    COURSE 019      How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
                       COURSE 020      You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

           COURSE 021      Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked
             COURSE 022      The Obtainable Goal:  Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary
               COURSE 023      Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
                            COURSE 024      Patronizing Does Not Work
                    COURSE 025      Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On

                           Course 026      Real Men Ask For Directions




                                                         FOR COUNSELING
                                                                CALL
                                                         1-CHA-UVI-NIST



11
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                               Men vs. Women
     
   
 Men and women are not alike.

 Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have conculsive
 proof!  After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
 topics, these facts have emerged:

 RELATIONSHIPS:

 First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to
 it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
 girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots."  Then
 she will get on with her life.

 A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the breakup
 - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
 you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
 I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know there's
 always a chance for us."  This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
 drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.  There
 are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
 need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

 SEX:

 Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
 Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her
 place as part of the foreplay.

 MATURITY:

 Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
 function as adults.

 Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
 other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances rarely
 work out.

 HATS:

 Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

 HANDWRITING:

 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
 chicken-scratch.

 Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
 circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
 and "g's."  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when
 she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

 BATHROOMS:

 A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
 shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

 The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
 would not be able to identify most of these items.

 MAGAZINES:

 Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

 Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because
 the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
 and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

 GOING OUT:

 When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

 When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
 to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
 her makeup...

 LEG WARMERS:

 Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
 the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any time
 she wants.

 A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
 Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

 CATS:

 Women love cats.
 Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 MIRRORS:

 Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

 Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
 surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

 GARAGES:

 Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

 Men use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages,
 they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

 MOVIES:

 For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
 Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

 For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
 in "Public Enemy."

 JEWELRY:

 Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

 A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it.  Any more than
 that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

 MENOPAUSE:

 When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
 emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature and degree
 of the changes varies with the individual.

 Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction.  He buys aviator glasses,
 a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
 expensive foreign sports car.

 LOW BLOWS:

 Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
 and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

 The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

 The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

 ADMITTING MISTAKES:

 Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

 The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

 RICHARD GERE:

 Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

 Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
 works out at the health club and dates only married women.

 NUDITY IN MOVIES:

 Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.  This
 is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

 The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
 This is another reason why men hate him.

 DAVID LETTERMAN:

 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

 Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

 LOCKER ROOMS:

 In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
 women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
 well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

 Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex.  Not in abstract
 terms, either.  They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

 LAUNDRY:

 Women do laundry every couple of days.

 A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
 surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
 his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
 sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
 the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

 WEDDINGS:

 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

 Men talk about "the bachelor party."

 SOCKS:

 Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.

 Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have
 pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

 PLANTS:

 A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
 The man will water the plants.
 The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
 No one knows why this happens.

 MUSTACHES:

 Some men look good with mustaches:  Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

 There are no women who look good with mustaches.

 NICKNAMES:

 With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
 like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
 will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

 But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
  


12
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How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

13
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Names to Use in Prank Calls



                                         Hugh G. Rection
                                           Jim Nassium
                                         Claire Voyence
                                          Buster Hyman
                                    Anita Moore (Roger's Mom)
                                           Dick Peede
                                            Mike Hunt

                                        Mai Dixie Wrecked
                                      Jon Doe's brother Dil

14
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How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time



Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,
humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,
nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,
accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,
lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,
accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,
crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,
dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,
enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,
taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on
the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if
I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,
indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.




                           How to Satisfy a Man Every Time

Show up naked.



15
Email Friend
 
Are YOU A HARD MAN?

1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?

a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.

2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?

a) Whisper back "I love you too".
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".


3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?

a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.

4/. If you break wind during the night do you?

a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.

5/. If she breaks wind do you?

a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.

6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the cunts.

7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and
she's in the bath. Do you?

a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the
shell". c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.

8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?

a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.

9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?

a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get
pissed.

10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?

a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1.  b) 2.  c) 3.

0 - 15.  If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29.  You must try harder.
30.  Congrats. You're one of the boys.


The jokes continue below

 


16
Email Friend
 
Department of the Treasury
   Internal Revenue Service
   Washington, D.C.
   To: All Male Taxpayers
   RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
   Form 1040 - P
   The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is
   due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging
   around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time
   it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
   On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
   Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according
   to size. To determine your category, please consult
   the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line
   3, on the Standard Form 1040.
   10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
   8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
   5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
   4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00
   Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please
   do not ask for an extension!!!!!!
   Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.
   Sincerely,
   Peter Checker
   Internal Revenue Service


17
Email Friend
 
   WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
   by Matt Groening
   RELATIONSHIPS:
   When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
   her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
   Idiots".
   Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
   letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday
   night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined
   my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
   total
   floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
   This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and
   99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges
   that offer courses to help men get over this need.
   SEX:
   Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
   foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
   foreplay.
   MATURITY:
   Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
   function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
   baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
   is why high school romances rarely work out.
   MAGAZINES:
   Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
   magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
   the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
   is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
   Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
   naked men elicit laughter from women.
   HANDWRITING:
   To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
   chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
   dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
   large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
   note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
   smiley face at the end of the note!!!
   BATHROOMS:
   A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
   razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
   average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
   A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
   GROCERIES:
   A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
   store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
   in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
   shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
   reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
   Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
   stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
   CATS:
   Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
   looking, men kick cats.
   LAUNDRY:
   Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
   of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
   eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
   out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
   U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
   always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
   myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
   THE TELEPHONE:
   Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
   telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
   visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
   will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
   RICHARD GERE:
   Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
   Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
   who works at the health club and dates only married women.
   MADONNA:
   Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
   LOCKER ROOMS:
   In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
   and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
   nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
   about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not
   in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
   technical, and they never lie.
   MOVIES:
   Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
   This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
   produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
   the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
   TIME:
   When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
   she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
   game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
   outs, commercials, or replays.
   FRIENDS:
   Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
   night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
   the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
   RESTROOMS:
   Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
   restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
   a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
   giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
   world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
   "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"


18
Email Friend
 
   Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on
   him. He asked if they
   wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at
   after they went home
   and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he
   went to see him. He
   asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night
   long. The man
   laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take
   more than one. Once at
   home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so
   he gulped them
   down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his
   friend. Asking for some
   liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In
   disbelief, his friend asked
   if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Charlie
   replied "No,I need it for
   my arms the women never showed up!"
   


19
Email Friend
 
   What makes a man think he's so great ?
   1) He has a belly button that won't work.
   2) He has tits that won't give milk.
   3) He has a cock that won't crow.
   4) He has balls that won't roll.
   5) He has an ass that won't carry a thing.
   


20
Email Friend
 
   What's so great about being a dick ?
   1) You've got a head with no brains.
   2) Two nuts follow you around all day.
   3) Your neighbor is an asshole.
   4) Your best friend is a cunt !
   


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