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Main Archives Jokes Category: Elderly

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81
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This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm  going to get a tetanus shot."

82
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An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about
20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart"?. No reply. 
Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 
5' and not a word. 
A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey"? 
His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."

83
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

84
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,
then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

85
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her 
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on 
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. 
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She 
paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice 
cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

86
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Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies.

They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

87
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Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her 
constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour
in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

88
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Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to 
get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way 
go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man 
behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" 
The pharmacist answers, "Yes." 
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" 
Pharmacist: "Of course we do." 
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" 
Pharmacist: "All kinds." 
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" 
Pharmacist: "Definitely." 
Jacob: "How about Viagra?" 
Pharmacist: "Of course." 
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" 
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety." 
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" 
Pharmacist: "Absolutely." 
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts." 

89
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An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young
man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she
was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to
the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart
aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and
bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and
backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his
Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do
that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you 
can do when you're old and rich!"

90
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There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement 
home. The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex 
with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex 
with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, 
light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll 
never forget."

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her 
purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the 
romantic night in my room, eh?" 

The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

91
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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and
asks how old he is.  "I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman.  "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

92
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An elderly couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells
them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing 
things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the
old man gets up from his chair.
 
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that: You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries!"

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!  
Leave me alone: Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I’ve got
it, for goodness sake!"

Then he grumbles his way into the kitchen. After twenty minutes the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and then asks, "Where's my toast?"

93
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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it’s Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"

94
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

95
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An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just
let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new  battery in your hearing aid.'


The jokes continue below

 


96
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Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She also
enjoys writing to relatives.    

Dear Family,  

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk
if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that
day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by
a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my
bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked,  I'd never have noticed.   I found that lots of people love Jesus!
 While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!  Go!
Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus!    Everyone started honking!    

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.  

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air.   I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what
that meant.    He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or
something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out
laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to
pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light
had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and
drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.   So I slowed the car down, leaned out the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, 

Granny Mabel

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