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A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he
was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor,
and the doctor said, "All right, let's check you out. You sit down here
on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read
that chart on the wall over there."
He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, "No, no,
no. Put your right hand over your right eye."
This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now
getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor
really gets mad and says, "All right, I'll fix you!" He gets a paper
bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and
says, "Now, read that chart!" The guy read it perfect!
The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts crying
like a baby. The doctor says, "Now, what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!"
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked
when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her
at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex
again -- the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny
over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs
on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other
on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.
"I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming
upstairs to kill you!"
What's the best thing about turning 65?
No more calls from insurance salesmen.
"What's wrong, sonny?" asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over
to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out.
"I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!" So the old man sat
down and wept too.
"Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county
home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone
thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me
listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told
her to go fuck herself.
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat
down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked,
"Going to a party?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the
nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.
Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play
along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home
with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said,
"Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died".
"It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go
to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to
him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love
almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the
night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the
young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said
the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30,
and would he have any suggestions.
"Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder."
A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is
going. He says fine his wife is pregnant.
The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder?"
"Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also....."
Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy & Betty
thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run
naked past Jim & Tom's room. Later that night they did just that.
Jim looked at Tom and said, "Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy
& Betty wearing?" "I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for
HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at
their age, the old man said,"Well, we heard on TV that people should be
tested after annual sex!"
This very old guy, older than 90, whips back the covers one morning with a
big hard on.
"What do you think about this, Honey?" he says to his wife.
She says "Now that you have the wrinkles out of it, why don't you wash
Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70.
When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be
upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."
How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?
Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started
out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and
deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm when
one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his
grandfather playing with himself.
The boy says, "What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?"
Grandpa replies, "No sonny, just jacking!"
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully
and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing
what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again,
she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes
one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she
caught you at it, too."
Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting
like he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and
asks Willy what he's doing.
Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."
The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.
He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing,
Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away
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