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Main Archives Jokes Category: Elderly

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41
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Here is this guy who really takes care of his body,
he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his
body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over,
except his penis, and he decies to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himself
in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one
looks down and says "There is no justice in this world".
The other lady says "What do you mean?"
The first lady says "Look at that".
When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild 

42
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At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.
Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl
could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed
replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one." 

43
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THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE, 
SOPHIA, AND HARRIET.  GERTRUDE SAID, "I THINK I'LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKE
A BATH."  SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHE
HAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB.  SHE SAID "WAS
I GOING INTO THE TUB, OR COMING OUT OF THE TUB?"  SOPHIA AND HARRIET WERE 
DOWNSTAIRS CHATTING WITH EACH OTHER, WHEN SOPHIA SAID, "YOU KNOW, 
GERTRUDE'S BEEN UP THERE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON HER."  
AS SHE WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS SHE STOPPED AND TURNED AROUND AND SAID, "WAS
I GOING UP THE STAIRS, OR COMING DOWN THE STAIRS?"  HARRIET WAS LEFT 
SITTING AT THE TABLE BY HERSELF.  AFTER SHE HEARD SOPHIA'S REMARK SHE SAID,
"THANK GOODNESS I'M NOT THAT BAD KNOCK ON WOOD."  "WAS THAT THE FRONT DOOR 
OR THE BACK DOOR?"

44
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Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The
doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?" 

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's
three times three?" 

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did
you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

45
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A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and 
knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and 
he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. 
He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an 
equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- 
turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know 
how to get to Des Moines either."

46
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The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's 
office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic 
cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis 
you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable 
positions," the medic said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your 
Lamborghini."

47
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An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they
decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was
wrong with them.

    When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about
the problems they were having with their memory.  After checking the couple
out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to
start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The
couple thanked the doctor and left.

    Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

    He replied, "To the kitchen."

    She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

    He replied, "Sure."

    She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?"

    He said, "No, I can remember that."

    She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."

    He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."

    She replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll
forget that so you'd better write it down."

    With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down!
I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen.

    After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a
plate of bacon and eggs.

    She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

48
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An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small 
town.  One day she went to the local grocery store and while 
she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her 
clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her 
garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find 
any money.  Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got 
home and when she saw what had happened to her house she 
immediately called the police. When the officer on the other 
end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was 
she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, 
took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my 
pussy.

Sent by BIG GUY

49
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Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench.
The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL!
The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The
second little old lady had a little stroke. 

The third little old lady would have had a
stroke................but her arms weren't quite long enough. 

50
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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to
a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared
for. The next  morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a
tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after
a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and
straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she
starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and
once more bring her back upright.  This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting
to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it  here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"



51
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Partial Dosage

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How
many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex
anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough 
so I don't pee on my shoes."

52
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Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests 
came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks 
great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at 
peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up
in the middle of the  night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the
bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith,  'That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he 
said, "George is  just fine.  Physically he's great. But I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets 
up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then 
poof! The light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Oh God!  He's peeing in the fridge again!"

53
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What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

54
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Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local 
bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear 
about his wedding night.
Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up 
the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's 
me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of 
my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."
The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"
Jake says, "I fought 'em." 

55
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A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies 
when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes 
between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says, "That's it! That's it!"
He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side." 


The jokes continue below

 


56
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Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses 
were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to 
the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt 
fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

57
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The old man was saying to his doctor,
"You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock. As I got a 
little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it alot. Does 
that mean I'm getting stronger?"

58
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A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on 
the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. 
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,
what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he
asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

59
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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. 
"How are you grandpa?"  he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care 
of you."
"What about sleeping?  Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.  At 10 
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra 
tablet, and that's it.  I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he 
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you 
people doing?" he asks.  "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old 
Viagra on a daily basis.  Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give 
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.  It works 
wonderfully well.  The chocolate makes him sleep, and the 
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

60
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Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of 
golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the 
second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for 
me?".
The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to 
his buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks. 
The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember." 

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