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Main Archives Jokes Category: Elderly

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1
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An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was 
greeted by a much younger salesman.  "Is there something in 
particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted.  "All I want is 
an occasional piece in the living room!"

2
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The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl.  He was quite content, but after a few weeks 
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get 
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take 
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave 
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the 
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to 
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to 
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live 
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one 
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, 
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again.  He chuckled 
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow 
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the 
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." 

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to 
"speed it up."  He raced into the house as fast as he could for 
his last great lay.  "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask 
questions.  Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught 
up in his excitement, she did.  He undressed nervously and 
hurried in after her.  Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, 
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, 
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

3
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An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrong
with me.  My dick is orange."
The  Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look.  He
has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted
anything orange.
The old man said "No."
The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently
been exposed to any chemicals at work.
The old man said "No, I'm retired."
The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any
chemicals in his garage.
The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired.  All I do is sit
around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos...



4
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"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his 
birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine."

"I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long 
suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years."

5
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 A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.  The little 
 boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
 I  bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

 The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.  It's too
 wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

 The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
 spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.  Then
 he puts the worm back into the hole.

 The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and 
 runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and 
 hands the little boy another five dollars.

 The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

 The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

+------------------------------------------------------------------------
 On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
 concerning their "urges".

 The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
 squeeze my BOOB twice."

 The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
 pull my DONG 48 times."


6
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A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having
a little chat.  "How are you, Tom?" asked Marvin.
"I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled a
muscle and it's killing me."
"That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though."
"Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times...."


7
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One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to 
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she 
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of 
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the 
court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything 
to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if 
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"

8
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An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have 
a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them 
the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her 
the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!" 

9
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This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above 

"You will live to be 100." 

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." 

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! 

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. 

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. 

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?". 

God said: "I didn't recognize you". 


10
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   Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda
   of the old folks
   home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa
   Rabinowitz rocks forward in
   his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"
   Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa,
   "Fuck you too!"
   Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging
   more forward
   again.
   Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again."
   This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says, "You know
   something,
   Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."
   


11
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   An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up.
   While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has
   life been treating
   you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night
   when I go to the
   bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the
   light off."
   While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her
   husband said. She
   replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"
   


12
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   An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room
   everyday. While
   there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's
   penis. One day she goes
   down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another
   women holding his
   penis. "What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a
   large smile on his
   face and replies "Parkinson's"
   


13
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   An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the
   doctor, "Doctor, we want
   to have a baby." The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's
   possible, but I'll give
   you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample." So the couple
   comes back a few
   days later.They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says,"I was
   afraid of this." The
   old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left
   hand. I tried it with my
   right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her
   right hand. She tried it with
   her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the
   lid off the jar."
   


14
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   An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They
   were in bed
   getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I
   should tell you I have
   acute angina The old man says I hope so, you sure don't have cute
   tits.
   


15
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   One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
   introduced to other
   members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that
   old man asleep
   in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell
   you some hunting
   stories you'll never forget."
   They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
   "Well," he began,
   "I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in
   Africa. We were on foot
   and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I
   was so tired I had to
   rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on
   the tree, and fell
   asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a
   noise in the
   bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen
   jumped out of the
   bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......' I
   tell you, I
   just shit my pants."
   The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame
   you, I would have
   shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his
   head and said, "No,
   no, not then, just now when I said
   'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'"
   



The jokes continue below

 


16
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   You Can Never Really Go Back
   There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
   sitting at the
   breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
   "Just think, honey,
   we've been married for 50 years."
   "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting
   here at this breakfast
   table together."
   "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
   jaybirds fifty years
   ago this morning."
   "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the
   two stripped
   to the buff and sat down at the table.
   "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
   nipples are as hot for you
   now as they were fifty years ago."
   "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
   the other one's in
   you oatmeal!"
   


17
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    There was an old married couple that had happily lived
   together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage
   was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
   morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the
   smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for
   air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one
   in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him
   to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband
   wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily
   function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the
   fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural
   about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts
   out".
   The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband
   continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until
   one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to
   prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed
   potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the
   turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might
   solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she
   placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours
   before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly
   asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her
   husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into
   her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and
   tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several
   hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass
   trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the
   sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs
   bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to
   tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
   with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her
   husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of
   horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she
   asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all
   those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
   "What do you mean?" asked his wife.
   "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
   of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God
   and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."


18
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A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of 
a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to 
the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." 
The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is 
hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. 

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you 
would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus 
driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he 
has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the 
block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If 
you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." 

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As 
she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you 
have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, 
"Chutzpah."

19
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A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an 
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one 
contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is 
that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed 
to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

20
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A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly 
stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's 
absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi 
went to see him. 

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How 
come after all these years we don't see you at services 
anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, 
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to 
take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. 
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about 
me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

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