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1
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                                 Bad Jokes
     
   
The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS
program.  You probably haven't heard most of them.  Please try not to laugh
too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all like
passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do when
we get to shore.

How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!

How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!

How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
Throw in a lawn sprinkler!

Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
To diaper their skyscrapers!

Why do policemen have toilets?
So that yaks will disobey them!

What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
An angry nurse!

What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
"Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"

What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
"Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!"

How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!

Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
So that photocopiers will interrogate them!

Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
That was no baby, that was my senator!

What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
The both eat flying hairballs!

When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
When it's a flabby cornfield!

What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
A Communist!

Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
Shhh!  Everyone will want one!

Why do yaks have fingers?
So that Hare Krishnas will break them!

How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
Throw in a teapot!

What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
A thirsty spatula!

What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
They both smash lazy lollipops!

Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
To satisfy their SubGeniuses!

What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
Time to get a new senator!

What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
They both visit hi-rise armadillos!

What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
A violin!

Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
So that toilets will dissect them!

How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
Throw in a toenail!

When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
When it's a worthless whale!

How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!

Why do TV repairmen have beds?
So that VCRs will visit them!

When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
When it's a religious milk shake!

What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
They both buy yellow prunes!

Why do armadillos have babies?
So that snakes will steal them!

What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
They both stall born-again BMWs!

What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
"Smash my horse, please!"

How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
Throw in a vicar!

What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
"Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!"

Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!

When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
When he's a beautiful grandmother!

What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
They both toast gold-plated giraffes!

What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
A holographic chicken!

What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
Time to get a new toothbrush!

Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
So that ostriches will cross-examine them!

What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
A lima bean!

What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
They both bounce wacky gods!

What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
Time to get a new kneecap!

Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
To befriend their prunes!

Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
So that forks will marry them!
  


2
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                                  The Diet
     
   
BREAKFAST
        1/2 grapefruit
        1 slice whole wheat toast
        8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH
        4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
        1 cup steamed zucchini
        1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
        rest of the package of Oreo cookies
        1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
        1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
        2 loaves garlic bread
        1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
        1 large pitcher of beer
        3 Milky Way candy bars
        1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS
        1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
        2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
                they cancel each other out.
        3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
                if you both eat the same amount.
        4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
                These include any chocolate used for energy,
                brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
        5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
                causes the calories to leak out.
        6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the
                calories don't count.
        7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
                they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
                of personal fuel.
  


3
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                           Immodest Proposal #1:
                                      
                        Daylight Savings Time Reform
                                      
                 Richard S. Holmes, RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu
     
   
It happens every spring: crocuses, baseball (with any luck), and the switch to
Daylight Savings Time (DST).

Coming off DST is not hard.  In the Fall, we set our clocks back one hour.  We
all get an extra hour to sleep, and those who forget find themselves at church,
or the airport, or wherever an hour early.  Embarassing, but not catastrophic.

But in the Spring we set the clocks forward, and the trouble begins.  We lose
an hour of sleep.  Forgetful people miss Mass, planes, breakfast, and the big
game on TV.  Some are thrown into disarray for up to a full week.  Annual
losses due to DST confusion have been estimated (by me) at over a million
dollars.  I myself have missed a flight to Washington and a showing of The
Seven Samurai because of DST.

There is no need for such tragic waste.  We can -- we should and must -- urge
our lawmakers to reform Daylight Savings Time as follows:

Setting clocks back is easy; setting them forward is difficult.  Therefore, let
us keep the fall ritual as it is.  However, one Sunday each Spring, let us set
our clocks not one hour forward, but TWENTY-THREE HOURS BACKWARD.

Think of all the advantages.  We will not lose an hour of sleep; we will gain
(almost) a day of rest.  It will be Saturday all over again.  You will never
again miss Confession, or an airplane, or the Redskins game.

Naturally, if this were the whole plan, our calendars would fall behind one day
in each year.  However, the second part of the Revised DST Plan deals with
this.  Every four years, instead of adding a day, let us SUBTRACT THREE DAYS.
Furthermore, let these be Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which according to
recent polls are the least popular days.

If done in February, which seems reasonable considering what a miserable month
it is, this would have the beneficial side effect of shortening the
excruciating presidential primary season by an effective four days.

The advantages of this plan are clear.  Let us waste no time.  With a determine
d
effort we can have Reformed Daylight Savings Time by Spring of next year.

Write your congressperson today!
  


4
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One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her 
husband with twin sons.  They loved the children very much, 
but couldn't think of what to name their children.  Finally, after 
several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names 
right now.  If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur 
to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife 
noticed a peculiar fact.  When left alone, one of the boys would 
also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face 
inland.  It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the 
children, the same child always faced the same direction.  
"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the 
fisherman.  His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys 
were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong.  The day 
came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is 
time that learned how to make a living from the sea."  They 
provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a 
three month voyage. 

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet 
the ship had not returned.  Another three months passed, and 
still no ship. 

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a 
lone man walking towards her house.  She recognized him as 
her husband.  "My goodness!  What has happened to my 
darling boys?" she cried. 

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards 
hooked into a great fish.  Towards fought long and hard, but the 
fish was more than his equal.  For a whole week they wrestled 
upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually 
the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled 
over the side of our ship.  He was swallowed whole, and we 
never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible!  What a huge fish that 
must of been! What a horrible fish.  What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

5
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many
canyons when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of
indians. They start to spur their horse forward when they realised that there
are hundreds of indians ahead of them.  Wheeling to the left they, once
again, see hundreds of indians rising from the hill.  They begin to back away
in the direction from which they had come and they realise, they were
surrounded.  The indians had spread out.  They were trapped.  

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says "Tonto,
my firend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together
but now I think we are doomed".

" We?" replied Tonto "What's all this we, Paleface?"

6
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease,
eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will
be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be
deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be 
delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be
debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. And on 
a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted. 

7
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A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a
traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying
the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal,
speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it,"
or "The smeller's the feller."

Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox
publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines
of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted
in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.



Blind Farts:  Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa
1880 - see also "SBD's").

Boomers:  Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism
frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceled
pride.

Carpet Creepers:  Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and
permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably
anonymous, having left the room.

Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at
least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a
series; originator betrays disappointment.

Fudgies: See Wet Ones.

One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usually
signified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge
chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce
blushes, giggles, glares.


Poohs:  Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking
sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.

SBD's:  (Silent But Deadly  type).  Consistant with the Law of
Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is
compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism
responsible is usually the innocent-looking  person glancing about
suspiciously.

Screamers:  High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishing
duration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomates
or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.

Sliders:  See One-Cheek Sneaks.

Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all
concerned.

Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are
accompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous
content. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walking
funny.

Whiffers: see Poohs.



8
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The Latest Breaking News on the GoodTimes Virus


   It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very
dangerous after all.  Goodtimes will re-write your hard
drive.  Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are
even close to your computer.  It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes
melty.  It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to
play.

  It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.  It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.  It will drink all
your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when
company comes over.  It will put a dead kitten in the back
pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when
you are late for work.

   Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.  It
will give you nightmares about circus midgets.  It will pour
sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows
while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing
the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

    It will seduce your grandmother.  It does not matter if
she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out
beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

   It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you
can't find it.  It will kick your dog.  It will leave
libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle.  It is dangerous and terrifying
to behold.  It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

   Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.  It will leave
the toilet seat up.  It will make a batch of Methamphetamine
in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove
while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new
snowblower.


9
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My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check
for $1,000.00  from the government for not raising hogs.  So I want to
go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

  What I want to know is, in your  opinion,  what is the best  kind of
farm not to  raise  hogs on and what is the best  breed of hogs not to
raise?  I want to be sure that I approach  this  endeavor  in  keeping
with  all   governmental   policies.  I  would  prefer  not  to  raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

  As I see it, the hardest part of this  program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

  My  friend,  Peterson,  is  very  joyful  about  the  future  of the
business.  He has been  raising  hogs for twenty  years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

  If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not  raising  100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small  scale at first,
holding  myself  down to about 4,000 hogs not raised,  which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year.  Then I can afford an airplane.

  Now  another  thing.  These hogs I will not be raising  will not eat
100,000  bushels of corn.  I understand  that you also pay farmers for
not  raising  corn and  wheat.  Will I qualify  for  payments  for not
raising  wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000  hogs I am not  going to
raise?

  I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

  Also, I am considering  the "not milking cows"  business, so send me
any information on that too.

  In view  of  these  circumstances,  you  understand  that I will  be
totally  unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

  Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.


Patriotically yours,


Jean Partridge



10
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A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom 
factory.  After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. 
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard 
working, knew her tasks etc.  He called her into his office, "But 
why?" he asked.

"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all,"  she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had 
this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and 
showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have 
it too...." 

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not 
only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as 
well."

11
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Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his 
neighbor, "Ray, may I borrow your axe?"  

"Not today," Ray replied, "I have to make soup."

"What kind of excuse it that?!" demanded Joe.  

"Well," confessed Ray, "I admit its a lousy excuse.  But, if I 
don't want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as 
another."

12
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Language Trends of the Future



There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in
all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the
future.

In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel.  All
consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving
only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..."  Meaning will be inferred from
facial expression.  Written French will stay exactly the same.

These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate
to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.

In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other
vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.

Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other
alphabets in the world.

The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin
alphabet, only backwards.  A mirror will suffice for translating
Russian into Polish.

Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word.  Plus
a verb at the end, of course.

[From Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com]



13
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Changing of the English Language



Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th'
by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh
is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be
dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt
vud finali hav kum tru.



14
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then 
when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and 
have his shoes.

15
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Names to Use in Prank Calls



                                         Hugh G. Rection
                                           Jim Nassium
                                         Claire Voyence
                                          Buster Hyman
                                    Anita Moore (Roger's Mom)
                                           Dick Peede
                                            Mike Hunt

                                        Mai Dixie Wrecked
                                      Jon Doe's brother Dil


The jokes continue below

 


16
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Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody



This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody
and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was
sure that Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that, because it was 
Everybody's job.  Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.  It ended up that Everbody
blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

17
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Notice



To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice
About Notices.  You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you
to notice.  We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the
other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed.  This is very
noticeable.  It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been
noticeably unnoticeable.  This notice is to remind you to notice the notices
and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

--NOTICE COMMITTEE FOR NOTICING NOTICES



18
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Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, 
explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't 
be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet 
here!" 

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet 
here!"

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a 
few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, 
followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where 
he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into 

the bar. 

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."

19
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he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas



     On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter
       festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,

TWELVE    males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
          drumming,

ELEVEN    pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made
          up of members in good standing of the Musicians
          Equity Union as called for in their union contract
          even though they will not be asked to play a note...),

TEN       melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the
          patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE      persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT     economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
          milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,

SEVEN     endangered swans swimming on federally protected
          wetlands,

SIX       enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman
          animal products,

FIVE      golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced
          domestic incarceration,

 (Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened
  to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French
  hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native
  habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the
  remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR      hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE     deconstructionist poets,

TWO       Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed
          tree carcasses,

...And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.



20
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Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder



A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws,
and while there, went to a store.  She parked next to a car with a woman
sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently
sleeping.  When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman,
her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.

The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said,
"Are you okay?"  The woman answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I
am holding my brains in."

Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store
workers called the paramedics.  They had to break into the car because
the door was locked.  When they got in, they found that the woman had
bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat
in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her
in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the
dough and thought it was her brains.  She passed out from fright at
first, then attempted to hold her brains in.



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