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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine?
What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?
Having arms and legs.
Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?
Never mind it's pointless.
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer."
How come Mexico never has a good Olympic team?
Because all of the mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are in the U.S.
When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.
"Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see
the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back
in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game."
"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry
Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered.
"Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy."
So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's
office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..."
"So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain."
"Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!"
"OK. Try me, " replied the Lord.
"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and
I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could
just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it
was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took
my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..."
"And that's when you took my name in vain?"
"Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball
clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully
toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into
a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..."
"So, that is when you took my name in vain?"
"No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove
that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches
of the hole..."
"Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!"
At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded
to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any
basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office,
followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't
win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the
basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making
such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no
arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a
head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all
in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with
no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he
decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and
places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head
starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three
years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two
minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're
Why is "red" the colour of the University of Georgia?
Because they can't spell "crimson" or "scarlet".
Why does the University of Tennesse football
team wear orange to all their Saturday games?
So that they can wear the same outfit to go
hunting on Sunday, and to work on Monday.
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards
right down the middle.
When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and
the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry,
but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2
iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at
It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at
the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is
"Yes, I am," he replied.
St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied,
"You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like
forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing.
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking
so long to make this shot?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make
this shot a good one," said Bob.
"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from
When shouldn't a mountain climber call for help?
When he's hanging by his teeth.
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly
Clinton grabs Hillary by the
collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned
umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President!
I said, Throw the first PITCH!"
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner
wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened.
"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his
"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I
thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that
every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went
over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I
called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And
the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"
How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you
.up the arse with her clitoris.
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following
conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut
off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?'
So she says, "Wear your sweater."
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a
building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her
pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to
Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch
it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed
catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his
knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right
into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he
picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying
the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says "thank you for not
disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have
a full supply of butter".
"Thank you," the golfer replied, "but where were you last week when I hit
the ball into the pussywillows?"
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