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A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I
have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
The doctor had just completed his examination of the
gorgeous redhaired beauty.
"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic,
as he regained som of his professional dignity,
"that you discontinue some of your running around.
Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and
above all you will have to start eating properly and
getting to bed early."
Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not
have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you
have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"
The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."
"How marvelous," the old man said.
"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to
work three times before you die."
On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied,
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."
Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to
"speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for
his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught
up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
"beep," and he was UP.
He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"
I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar
looking for me and I asked for her number.
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to
ICU, where therapy continues.
In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his
room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are
completely well. You have the heart function that you did when
you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home
tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any
physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his
wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no
worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to
make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate
sex....you'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on
my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just
maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything
was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription
pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate,
adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron
Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's
your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached,
they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never
before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father
for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the
success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly
feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as
often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well,
to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her
problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up
in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the
"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm
afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight
out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While
the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush
your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice
each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with
her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until
about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the
husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had
come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches
the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking,
she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large
supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here
in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife
appears out of nowhere."
A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18
hours to live. "That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your
last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."
"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my
favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"
"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all,
I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked
where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
"She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he
your husband?" "Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels
for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her
husband what took him so long to answer, to which the
husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100
camels back home."
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this
temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job
on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the
office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore,
I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH ? Really ? Were you ???"
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the
detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of
compromising situations as the man can get.
Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs.
They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos.
The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park
laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he
watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and
the man are sharing obvious utter glee.
"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it."
"What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I
have all the times and dates in my log."
"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a
fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said
"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping
myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The
followingis a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times
you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4
times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and
tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get
more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty
98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed
and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt
me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was
empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for
years. Now, it's my turn."
TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage...
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife
explains that he must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife
is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not
care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you
don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The
wife is jumping up and
down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man!!!"
TECHNOLOGY FOR THE COUNTRY FOLK
What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
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