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Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's
better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won ?
On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim
wife was bragging about her figure. "You know honey," she said, "I can
still get into the skirts I had before we were married."
"Yeah ?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the
ball game on TV. "I wish to hell I could."
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
They have no wife to go home to...
or they do.
The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over
supper. "Get this..." he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours
claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one."
"Hmmmmmmmmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type
expression, "must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."
But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding ? A
husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer
controls the weather.
A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to
his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to
say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?
The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled
and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.
I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was
talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said,
"Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife knows
nothing of my wants and needs... she's hardly ever in the mood for
sex... I guess what it comes down to is that my wife just doesn't
understand me at all, does yours ?"
I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so
George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning
your name at all."
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow
attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight
sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down
at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle
in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room
and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her
voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for
his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,
"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for
60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"
Why I Fired My Secretary
I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.
Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.
In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go
home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went
home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and
growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my
supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs
and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys.
You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another
thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get
ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone,
and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him
to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and
waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I
won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I
do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you
have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra
with the housekeeper..."
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.
One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is
my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I
figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least
like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last
anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the
Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least
like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well
for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I
figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional
man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only
because no other woman wants him.
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee
Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off
a flag pole.
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra
lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss
and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience
What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their
What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every
fault and make their life a living hell.
1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....I
hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart
and soul, I am forever yours."
5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."
10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"
15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned
to divorce proceedings..."
Did you know that once you get married,
you can look forward to three different kinds of sex?
First, there's House Sex:
That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on
the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much
like two crazed rabbits.
Then comes Bedroom Sex:
That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the
curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you
make love in the bedroom.
Last comes Hall Sex:
That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw
How to be a Good Wife
Excerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbook
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good
meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in
your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a life.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order,
and it will give you a lift, too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he
would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile
and be glad to see him.
Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft,
soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home
Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate
demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract,"
snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife
isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect
exclusive drillin' rights!
On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are
so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to
my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do
you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!
Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love
Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and
after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.
(The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim
sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and
she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.
No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have
the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope
you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.
All My Love,
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the
latest style - folded down with the fur showing.
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