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This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions.
guy: "Why are girls so pretty?"
God: "So you'll like them."
guy: "Why are girls soft?"
God: "So you'll like them."
guy: "Why are girls so dumb?"
God: "So they'll like you."
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
How is she now ?
She's fine. But, the dog died.
Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he
called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits
"What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad
journalism. I'll sue 'em."
"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you
On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided
to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.
Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the
bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by
When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that
expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the
empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a
half-bottle too much.
He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?"
Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town. "How're
thangs with y'all, Pete?" one asked.
"Not bad atall," Pete replied. "My old woman ain't talkin'
to me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her."
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that
BlowJob I promised you? Here it comes..."
Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months
I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her
A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a
bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and
sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and
he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work,
opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a
Sent by Ser
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her
weight-watchers meeting ."My husband insists I come to these
meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim
figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when
all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.
"Oh, no, it's my husband!"
The man says, "Where's your back door?"
"We don't have a back door" says the woman.
The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"
A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens
to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The
first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this
one, which is called Lipshitz."
"What a diamond!"
"How lucky you are!"
"Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady,
"Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous
The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?"
"Lipshitz," sighed the lady.
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day
someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter
words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All
evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."
Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take
Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem
of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were
planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I
could not help interrupting.
"Why not?" said I. "Let her marry a Gentile boy. I'm all in favor of
Jewish girls marrying Gentile boys."
"Why?" chorused the women.
And I said, "Because why should the Jewish boys have all the bad
Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance
Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that.
We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one
of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.
Here's a sick one...
So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off
her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician
objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin
closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a
tear coming from his eye. She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of a
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