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Main Archives Jokes Category: Religion and Church

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                            Satanic Barney Proof
 Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
 Prove: Barney is satanic

         The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for
         printing, meaning the Roman representation would for
         Barney would be: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR


         Extracting the Roman numerals, we have:
         CV    V  L  DI    V

         And their decimal equivalents are:
         100 5 5 50 500 1 5

         Adding those numbers produces: 666.

         666 is the number of the Beast.


                                        ?/$="'"  """^SATAN$~\
                                      .&?/'              `""$$,
                                    ,/?/'       /-"^\.   .-=~\T,
                                  ,/?/'        /SATAN|  |\IS,&'    |LT
               `\?\\      ``\?\^I/HATE@:~:$=v\.    `$k==v\.??\,         `\d `\$
$'9P'I-LOVE=SATAN\/$$~?$\     ,R/
  /$?~^'"""""`"\\&&< ?b               "`~$P:c: /v==v,#::?<<&:'T|   d$/'
  [|:.             ""=o/&.                ,P    o&Z'`'.##| |MH\|| ,$$'
  `=:$H&=\.           `"b?b.             .&'    96*.-v.:?/`\==$&?$&*'
       `^$?\.           `*&*\\          ,P       ?~-~'      |$$S>'
          `\7b           ,T/\&&\.      d?                    |T'
            \/b         .&J'  `\>     d'                      T,
             &`L        /||          ?|                        ?,
             ||9       J\T           H                          ?,
              H||     ||/           ||                           9,
              ||M     PJ'           ||                           `H
               bT,   ||T            ||                            ||
               T/L   H||            `b                             M
                &T,  M|              9,                            9
                `L9, M|              `&.                           |
                 `?*,9||              `b                           d
                  `\?(|H.              `b                          ?b
                   `*\ `&.              `\.                       J*|b
                     `\o/\.              `&.                     ,P 9/L
                        9:&.              `9\                   ??  `H9.
                         *?9\               `b                .&'    |/|
                          `|`\.              `L             ./'      `|H
                          d\/qZbo.            M          .,='        ,|T
                 ./~&$$?=??/' `"=H$|          H       .o=''          J\|
                ,*/''  `\?        `'        ./?ov=="*b9,            ,$P
               ,Td                         ,$$'`'    ?|M           ,$/
               J||                       ,$?/         M||         ?$/
               M||         |>\.     .,~9$''          T||        d'M.
               9`|         `Hi:R&:&&6&="'           ./$J|       `^"\Z\.
               ||M          `=Z\:""                 H|T"            `&H&>v
                bT,    ..   v,?|\                   M||               .:Z|&\.
                ||H  DEATH~>TO9H|                  `?*\              ?$`#'H
                 9ALL|1KIDS*  .$/                    `bZ&\       ,o\&KILL&/'
                  \?$.:?ooo/*""'                       `\$$b   |\MAIM*:./'
                   `"""'  `'                              `~?&qDESTROY#/'

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                          The Numbers of the Beast
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

660             - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI          - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000        - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666           - Number of the Millibeast
/ 666           - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1)      - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010      - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
                - Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666           - Area code of the Beast
00666           - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts!  One-on-one pacts!  Call Now!
                  Only $6.66/minute.  Over 18 only please.
$665.95         - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25         - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95         - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
                  replacement soul
$656.66         - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66         - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666    - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666       - Way of the Beast
666 F           - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k            - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg          - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 %          - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
                  National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6     - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66       - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686          - CPU of the Beast
666i            - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
                - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668             - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

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A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While 
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on 
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even 
looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job 
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his 
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his 
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes 
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every 
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, 
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, 
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:


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Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. 
She immediately called Saint Peter and said, 

"This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" 

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on
it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him 
again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. 

"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!" 

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." 

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning 
Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up 
the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

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Preserving the Egg of Life

Obviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing the
struggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impending
winter.  The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on the
first day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowls
of plenty.  The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses;
fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worship
and appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.

In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called
"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin.  The convention
of "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design of
the vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbath
in every town and city.  Also every Sunday in the greater centers of
population where an advanced priesthood performs.  These enormous
churches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares in
size with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual development
of the culture that produced them.

Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in these
open-air churches.  Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outlet
from sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadism
about to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men.  Football
obviously arises out of the Oedipus complex.  Love of mother dominates
the entire ritual.  (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).

The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area  orientated to the
four directions.  The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped with
ominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter.  The
white stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the four
whistling monitors who control the services through a time period
divided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons.

The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nude
virgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns.  This excites the
thousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetry
in unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipus
theme of willingness to die for the love of mother.

The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique,
might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned only
with hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue and
protect the Egg.

However, the procedure is highly stylized.  On each side there are
eleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes.  The group
in so-called "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in an
egg-shaped "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerful
meditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other.

Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of the
Egg.  In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line,"
seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists might
contend, with the "seven last words" but actually, with sublimation
of the "seven deadly sins" into "the seven cardinal principles of

The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with his
hands, while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback."  The
transposition of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easily
explained by the Adler School.  To the layman the curious posture
assumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the central priest,
immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,
but this popular view is untenable.  Actually, of course, the
"quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,
namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) the
instinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros.
Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hysterical
worshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back.
Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.

At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one of
the members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily force
across the white lines of Winter.  This procedure up and down the
enclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual.

At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, the
processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed.  After
forming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical and
animal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiring
far more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals from
which it seems to be derived.  Each of the virgins carries a wand
of shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfully
into the air, and with which she interweaves her body in most
intricate gyrations.

The virgins perform another important function throughout the entire
service.  This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" following
success of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across the
last white line of Winter.  As the moment of "conversion" approaches,
the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces in
the earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, praying
that "the uprights will be split."  "Conversion" is indeed a
dedicated ceremony.

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Process-Oriented God

           If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like

             In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was
             without form and void, so God created a small committee.  He carefully
           balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic
               status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of
                    self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
                          Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.

           And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement."  And behold,
             the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that
                  process empowerment.  And God thought it sounded pretty good.
                              And evening and morning were the second day.

           And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage
               in long-term planning."  Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic
           differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third
           day.  Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought
                                  the process was constructive.
                              And evening and morning were the third day.

            And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision
               functional organization and engage in planning by objectives."  The
          committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives
          to program directions, and God saw that this was good.  And God thought that
              it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
                                      And so ended the fourth day.

          And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and
           strategy."  The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural
            sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models.  And God saw that
                                    this was very democratic.
                  And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional
            renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.

          On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment
          and evaluation.  This wasn't the agenda that God had planned.  He wasn't able
           to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day
           and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and
           seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human

                  On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its
           recommendations.  It turned out that the recommended forms for things were
             nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee
           passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the
           guidelines.  There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should
                           have been created in the committee's image.

                  And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee . . .

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God and the Computer

In the beginning there was the computer.  And God typed:
        %>Let there be light!
        #Please login.
        %>login God
        #Password incorrect. Try again.
        #Password incorrect. Try again.
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
        %>Let there be light!
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
        %>Create light
        %>Run heaven_and_earth
        #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
        %>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters
             which are under and above the firmament
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
        %>Create firmament
        %>Run firmament
        #And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
        %>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
             and let the dry land appear and
        #Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
        %>Create dry_land
        %>Run dry_land
        #And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
        %>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
        #Unspecified type. Try again.
        %>Create sun_moon_stars
        %>Run sun_moon_stars
        #And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
        %>Create fish
        %>Create fowl
        %>Run fish, fowl
        #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
             that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
             every winged fowl after its kind.
        #And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
        %>Create cattle
        %>Create creepy_things
        %>Now let us make man in our image
        #Unspecified type. Try again.
        %>Create man
        %>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
             and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl
             of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
        #Too many command operands. Try again.
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 6 errors.
        %>Insert breath
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 5 errors.
        %>Move man to Garden of Eden
        #File Garden of Eden does not exist.
        %>Create Garden.edn
        %>Move man to Garden.edn
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 4 errors.
        %>Copy woman from man
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 2 errors.
        %>Create desire
        %>Run multiplication
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in  
        #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
        %>Create freewill
        %>Run freewill
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in 
        #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
        %>Undo desire
        #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
        %>Destroy freewill
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        %>Create tree_of_knowledge
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in 
        #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
        %>Create good, evil
        %>Activate evil
        #And God saw he had created shame.
        #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
            Garden.edn.  1 errors.
        %>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
        #Search failed.
        %>Delete shame
        #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
        %>Destroy freewill
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again
             PLEASE LOG OFF.
        %>Create new world
        #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
             files before new ones can be created.
        %>Destroy earth
        #Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N)
        #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
        #MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM
        #Please login.
        %>login God
        %>who is God
        #And NEW logged off

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God Meets Bureaucracy

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced
with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact
statement.  He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was
stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.  Appearing at
the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first
place.  He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to
know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about
thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball
of fire.  God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming
that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a
building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the
time.  God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness
"Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters
bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over
the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the
Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and
the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six
days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the
application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would 
be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.

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Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf 
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that 
you have the Staff of Life in one hand.  What do you have in the 

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

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God's Human DNA Code

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
 * Human Genome
 * Version 2.1
 * (C) God
/* Revision history:
 * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
 * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
 * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
 *                        will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
 * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
 *                        elephant-dna.c
 * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
 * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
 * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
 * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
 *                        darker to match my own image.
 * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
 *                        Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
 * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
 * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high population
 *                        density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
 * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
 *                        CD.
/* Standard definitions
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
 * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
 * inheritance features.
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
 * library sometime soon.
struct genitals
#ifdef MALE
   Penis *jt;
   /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
   Vagina *p;
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
 * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
 * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
 * to display at birth.
 * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
...and so on.
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]

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The Naming of Jesus

A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth 
was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that 
the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the 
name Joshua. Another argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that 
Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews. The debate went on 
and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse. Finally, an old man known for his 
wisdom intervened. He informed the group that he knew how Jesus was named. When Jesus was born, 
a star shown in the sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had 
travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to Bethlehem got 
lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in rather foul moods, they 
reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of them came through the door, he tripped on 
the door sill, and fell into the wall hitting his head. "Jesus Christ!" he screamed, and
that is how the baby was named. 

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Love Jesus

                                  by Dennis DiPasquale

                       The other day I went to the local religious book store,
                where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it
                 and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I
                did. What an uplifting experience followed.  I was stopped at the
                  light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the
                 Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper
                  sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
                Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY
                 love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and
                   yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a
                    football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!"
                Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and
                 waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have
                   been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
                 yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a
                   funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

                     I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed,
                    looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the
                Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him
                 the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black
                man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear
                    him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or
                 "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must
                really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in
                 the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were
                  walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I
                noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a
                good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the
                intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way
                 out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian
                    good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such
                                        wonderful folks.

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Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None 

One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and 
laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the 
Creator of all. 

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. 
"Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! 
Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could 
smoke while the Torah was being read???"

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word 
is strong!" 

Goldblum sighed with relief. 

"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but 
really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple 
during Yom Kippur?" 

Bauman hung his head in shame. 

"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that 
which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast 
and loose with my people, but I can accept these 

Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, 
have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt 
the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and 
Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying.... 

"Closed for the Holiday !!!"

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A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great 
Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the 
terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate 
keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and 
second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"

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The First E-mail Of Paul To The Romans

                                        by John Carney

From: (Paul, A Servant Of Jesus Christ)
CC: (Judaea Online)
Attachments: none
Subject: general teaching
Also posted to Usenet newsgroup alt.religion.heresy
Even using my off-line mail reader (Papyrus 6.2) the on-line and disk
space charges on my local dial-up Internet provider are outlandish,
so I'll have to keep this short.  :)
IMHO, the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the 
godlessness of men.  }:>
U, therefore, have no excuse to pass judgment. God will judge all.
BTW, Jews have no right to boast simply because of our ancestry. 
Circumcision  :(  is meaningful only if it is inward -- otherwise,
BFD.  Similarly, IBM owners have no right to boast simply because of
the customer support they receive.  In Him we are neither IBM nor
Gateway, Tandy nor Compaq.
None of us is righteous. As King David wrote:
KD>     There is no one righteous, not even one;
KD>     There is no one who understands, no one who seeks
KD>     God, no one who has not illegally copied his 
KD>     favorite game program for a friend.

But Abraham believed God, and so God credited it to him as *virtual*
But does this mean we should sin all we want?  No way!
We must live through the spirit. The law kills O-|-< but the spirit
gives life. Offer yourselves as living sacrifices to God. Submit to
the authority of your sysop and your Usenet newsgroup moderator. Pay
for shareware if you decide to keep using it. And don't flame
somebody for making a spelling error or failing to read the FAQ list.
Nothing is unclean to God, but if something is going to cause your
fellow Christian to sin, delete it from your hard drive.  Watch out
for those R- and X-rated .GIF files. 
I'm hoping to visit Rome later this year; save me a space on the
couch. CUL8er.  :)
 XXX   Papyrus 6.2   XXX Unregistered Test Drive Version XXX     {RAH}

John Carney is a staff writer for the _Shelbyville_ (Tenn., USA)
_Times-Gazette_ and an occasional contributor to _The Door_, a
magazine of religious satire and commentary.

The jokes continue below


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Stress-Relieving Prayer


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.


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The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted 
by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service 
from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called 
the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our 
community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said 
the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their 
habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still 
tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company 

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually 
use is 'fucking shovel'".

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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local 
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps 
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should 
I do?" 
   "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I 
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to 
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the 
   In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the 
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice 
for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
 "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. 
 "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. 
 Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards 
Mrs. Jones. 
 "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. 
 "Right again," said the minister, smiling. 
  Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister 
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few 
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with 
the hatpin again. 
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him 
his last son?" 
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned 
thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"

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A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was
stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did
not admit Jews.
 The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no
room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your
sign says that you have vacancies."  The desk clerk
stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not
admit Jews.  Now if you will try the other side of town..."
 Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you
know I converted to your religion."
 The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
How was Jesus born?"
 Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary
in a little town called Bethlehem."
 "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
 Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
 "That's right," said the hotel clerk.  "And why was he born in a
 Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the
hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

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A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small
town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her
position to try to influence the new student. She asks the
class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"

A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington
was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father
of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good
answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."

Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think
Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he
freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's
another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."

Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think
Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The
teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,
"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to
the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he
is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"

The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's
Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

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