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Main Archives Jokes Category: Science Related

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21
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scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien
Civilization...

Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the
Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star
system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the
list and send it to 100 other Star Systems.  Within
one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive
enough hydrogen to power your civilization until
entropy reaches its maximum!  IT REALLY WORKS!



22
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New scientific theories

4th RunnerUp--  The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases
when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

23
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New scientific theories

3rd RunnerUp-  Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means
the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate
their ideas at a faster rate.



24
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New scientific theories

2nd RunnerUp-  The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn
to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change
outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it all out.

25
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New scientific thoeries

1st RunnerUp-  If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an
infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of
shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

26
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New scientific theories

HONORABLE MENTION:  The quantity of consonants in the English
language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one
geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks"
his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh"
his car and invest in "erl wells."

27
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New scientific theories

GRAND PRIZE WINNER:  When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its
feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered
side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat.  When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the
ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace
pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"
could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

28
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Have you heard about the new Mechanical Whore?

    -She gives a licking and keeps on ticking. 

29
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The Three Laws of Thermodynamics

  1.You can't win.

  2.You can't break even.

  3.You can't quit the game. 


30
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ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO 
DISCOVERER: ADAM 
ATOMIC MASS:
Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.
OCCURRENCE:
Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. 

Common Uses: 

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent. 

Tests: 

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards: 

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come
into contact with each other.

31
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Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?

A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. 

32
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A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when 
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that 
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human
brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive 
intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it 
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular 
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making 
the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

33
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Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

34
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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible 
designers of the human body. 
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." 
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems 
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a 
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" 

35
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"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark 
attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend 
that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as 
possible." 

"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump." 


The jokes continue below

 


36
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If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that 
there is an exception to every rule.
If we accept "For every rule there is an exception" as a rule, then we 
must concede that there may not be an exception after all, since the rule 
states that there is always the possibility of exception, and if we follow 
it to its logical end we must agree that there can be an exception to
the rule that for every rule there is an exception. 

37
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One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading 
two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's
keeper or my keeper's brother."

38
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If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no
one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.

39
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An academic problem

In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, 
and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk 
toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. 

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the 
girls and boys meet?" Mathematician: "Never." Physicist: "In an infinite 
amount of time." Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close 
enough for all practical purposes."

40
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What do a meteorologist in a snowstorm
and a woman's sex life have in common?

They're both concerned with how many
inches and how long it will last.

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