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1
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                 Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer
     
   
Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted
thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by
accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe
tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating
and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body
electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawl means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain
2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"
3. may cause severe burns
4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape
5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals
6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
   automobile brakes
7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,
lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the
contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused
millions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recently
California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

- as an industrial solvent and coolant
- in nuclear power plants
- in the production of styrofoam
- as a fire retardant
- in many forms of cruel animal research
- in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains
  contaminated by this chemical
- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be
done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on
wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production and
distribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of
this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are
conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar
devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of
military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly
sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large
quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination!
  


2
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                      Are You About to Employ a Robot?
     
   
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB  Psychology
Department.   It  is  intended  to be used by companies  that  are
recruiting on campus.  With this test you can determine whether an
applicant you are interviewing is a Robot,  a Vulcan/Math MAjor,  or a
Liberal Arts major.

       Tear off here, and administer test below to students
                 ----------------------------------

 Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1.   If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
          0) Shakespeare  1) Math books   2) Fluid oil

2.   If I could have any job, I would be a _____
          0) writer  1) professor    2) McDonald's employee

3.   On weekends, I go to _____
          0) The beach    1) The library  2) goto 10

4.   My favorite hobby is _____
          0) Poetry  1) Open math problems     2) memorizing

5.   I have taken ______ English classes.
          0) Many    1) Enough to communicate  2) fori=1to++x10goto10

6.   What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
          0) Ask a Vulcan      1) In my head   2) Brute force with
                                               Cray 2 Supercomputer

7.   What have you learned in school that you value the most?
          0) Latin   1) How to operate my HP-28C  2) Complex Analysis

8.   In between classes, I like to _____
          0) Talk with my friends   1)  Study proofs  2) Add numbers on
                                                      my calculator

9.   When I have a report due, I type it on_____
          0) My manual typewriter
          1) The school's word processor
          2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud


10.  Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
          0) Friends      1) Books   2) Calculator manuals

11.  The best use of a computer is _____
          0) A door stop    1) Graphing functions  2) Friends

12.  When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
          0) A hamburger  1) A twinkie    2) Thrown out

13.  What part of speech is "interface"?
          0) A noun  1) A noun and a verb   2) Not enough data

14.  What do you consider to be paradise?
          0) Total happiness   1) Total knowledge   2) Two calculators

15.  What type of music do you like?
          0) Popular music     1) Classical music   2) Static noise

16.  What is your favorite game?
          0) Monopoly     1) Chess   2) Data entry races

17.  My favorite Movie show is _____
          0) Ruthless People   1) Star Trek II      2) Short Circuit

18.  If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
          0) Write it on my arm
          1) Derive it during test
          2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks

19.  The person I marry must have_____
          0) Beauty  1) Intelligence      2) An RS232 serial port

20.  What I fear the most is _____
          0) Death   1) Emotions     2) Water

--------------------------------

Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at
the following table.

00-14  Liberal Arts
15-20  Vulcan/Math Major
21-40  Robot!!!
  


3
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                      New Chemical Element Discovered
     
   
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively
named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75
vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass
of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally
occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each
reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be
found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
  


4
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                            Safest Way to Drive
     
   
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road.  Driving fast decreases one's
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
  


5
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                            Satanic Barney Proof
     
   
 Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
 Prove: Barney is satanic

         The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for
         printing, meaning the Roman representation would for
         Barney would be: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

         CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

         Extracting the Roman numerals, we have:
         CV    V  L  DI    V

         And their decimal equivalents are:
         100 5 5 50 500 1 5

         Adding those numbers produces: 666.

         666 is the number of the Beast.

 Proved: BARNEY IS SATAN!

                                          oI=vo
                                        ?/$="'"  """^SATAN$~\
                                      .&?/'              `""$$,
                                    ,/?/'       /-"^\.   .-=~\T,
                                  ,/?/'        /SATAN|  |\IS,&'    |LT
               `\?\\      ``\?\^I/HATE@:~:$=v\.    `$k==v\.??\,         `\d `\$
$'9P'I-LOVE=SATAN\/$$~?$\     ,R/
  /$?~^'"""""`"\\&&< ?b               "`~$P:c: /v==v,#::?<<&:'T|   d$/'
  [|:.             ""=o/&.                ,P    o&Z'`'.##| |MH\|| ,$$'
  `=:$H&=\.           `"b?b.             .&'    96*.-v.:?/`\==$&?$&*'
       `^$?\.           `*&*\\          ,P       ?~-~'      |$$S>'
          `\7b           ,T/\&&\.      d?                    |T'
            \/b         .&J'  `\>     d'                      T,
             &`L        /||          ?|                        ?,
             ||9       J\T           H                          ?,
              H||     ||/           ||                           9,
              ||M     PJ'           ||                           `H
               bT,   ||T            ||                            ||
               T/L   H||            `b                             M
                &T,  M|              9,                            9
                `L9, M|              `&.                           |
                 `?*,9||              `b                           d
                  `\?(|H.              `b                          ?b
                   `*\ `&.              `\.                       J*|b
                     `\o/\.              `&.                     ,P 9/L
                        9:&.              `9\                   ??  `H9.
                         *?9\               `b                .&'    |/|
                          `|`\.              `L             ./'      `|H
                          d\/qZbo.            M          .,='        ,|T
                 ./~&$$?=??/' `"=H$|          H       .o=''          J\|
                ,*/''  `\?        `'        ./?ov=="*b9,            ,$P
               ,Td                         ,$$'`'    ?|M           ,$/
               J||                       ,$?/         M||         ?$/
               M||         |>\.     .,~9$''          T||        d'M.
               9`|         `Hi:R&:&&6&="'           ./$J|       `^"\Z\.
               ||M          `=Z\:""                 H|T"            `&H&>v
                bT,    ..   v,?|\                   M||               .:Z|&\.
                ||H  DEATH~>TO9H|                  `?*\              ?$`#'H
                 9ALL|1KIDS*  .$/                    `bZ&\       ,o\&KILL&/'
                  \?$.:?ooo/*""'                       `\$$b   |\MAIM*:./'
                   `"""'  `'                              `~?&qDESTROY#/'
  


6
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                          The Numbers of the Beast
     
   
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

660             - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI          - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000        - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666           - Number of the Millibeast
/ 666           - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1)      - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010      - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
                - Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666           - Area code of the Beast
00666           - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts!  One-on-one pacts!  Call Now!
                  Only $6.66/minute.  Over 18 only please.
$665.95         - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25         - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95         - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
                  replacement soul
$656.66         - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66         - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666    - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666       - Way of the Beast
666 F           - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k            - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg          - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 %          - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
                  National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6     - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66       - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686          - CPU of the Beast
666i            - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
                - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668             - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
  


7
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                         Review: The Cat in the Hat
                                      
               by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95
     
   
The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry
in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and
bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably Green
Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower With
Mommy?  In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the
pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud
in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young
children understand their own frustrated sexuality.

The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister,
abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the
window of their single-family dwelling.  In the foreground, a
large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting
the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual
yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other.  Even to the
most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the
incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss's
probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs.
The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in
what he so innocently refers to as "tricks."  At this point,
the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the
prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children,
and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers
associated with the unleashing of the primal urges.  In
response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic
naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying,
"Down with morality; down with God!"

After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged
Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of
Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old
and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic
reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when
their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon."  Our heroic
Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus
completes the Oedipal triangle.

Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's
box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One,
or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that
serves as the conscious mediator between the person and
reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward
and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience,
and guilt.  Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at
this trick.  Take a look!"  In this, Dr. Seuss uses the
children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the
reader to re-examine his own inner self.

  The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego
allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or
more symbolically, control their lives.  This rampage
continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the
mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that
existed before her abandonment of the children.  At this
point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which
represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put
the two youngsters' lives back in order.

With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces
Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an
easily understood gesture.  Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of
words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid
counterpart to his bold symbolism.  In all, his writing style
is quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible to
put down.  While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one
can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after
multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master
becomes apparent.
  


8
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                 Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
     
   
     For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.  Electric
bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark.  Thus they now call these bulbs
dark suckers.  The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs
spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than
that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

     The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.  There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.  The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark suckers in a parking
lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.  As with all
things, dark suckers don't last forever.  Once they are full of dark, they
can no longer suck.  This is proven by the black spot on a full dark
sucker.  A candle is a primitive dark sucker.  lA new candle has a white
wick.  You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.  If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.

     Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers.  The bulbs in these can't handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.  When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before
the portable dark sucker can operate again.

     Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker.  Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the
solid wick instead of through glass.  This generates a great amount of
heat.  Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.  Dark is
also heavier than light.  If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets
slowly darker and darker.  When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness.  This is because the heavier dark sinks to
the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.  The
immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage.  We can collect
the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through
turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it
may be safely stored.  Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.  The Indians recognized this
problem, and tried to solve it.  When on a river in a canoe travelling in
the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not
to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,
they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

     Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly
open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but
since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the
closet.

     In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier.  So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.

Author Unknown
  


9
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                        English is a Crazy Language
     
   
From:    Charlie Indelicato

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,
2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.
  


10
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Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien 
Civilization... 

Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system 
at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your 
star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other 
star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will 
receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy 
reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

11
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Night Before Christmas

                              For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling



      'Twas  the  nocturnal  segment  of the diurnal period preceding the
 annual yuletide celebration, and  throughout  our  place  of  residence,
 kinetic  activity  was  not  in  evidence  among  the possessors of this
 potential, including that  species  of  domestic  rodent  known  as  Mus
 musculus.    Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of
 the  wood-burning  caloric  apparatus,  pursuant  to  our   anticipatory
 pleasure   regarding   an   imminent   visitation   from   an  eccentric
 philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title
 of St. Nicholas.
 
      The  prepubescent  siblings,   comfortably   ensconced   in   their
 respective  accommodations  of  repose,  were  experiencing subconscious
 visual   hallucinations   of   variegated   fruit   confections   moving
 rhythmically  through their cerebra.  My conjugal partner and I, attired
 in our  nocturnal  cranial  coverings,  were  about  to  take  slumbrous
 advantage  of  the  hibernal  darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior
 portion of the grounds there ascended such  a  cacophony  of  dissonance
 that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for
 the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
 
      Hastening  to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
 the fenestration, noting thereupon that the  lunar  brilliance  without,
 reflected   as   it   was   on  the  surface  of  a  recent  crystalline
 aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
 itself --  thus  permitting  my  incredulous optical sensor to peruse  a
 miniature   airborne  runnered   conveyance   drawn   by   an  octet  of
 diminutive  specimens   of the genus Rangifer, piloted by  a  miniscule,
 aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent
 to  me  that   he was  indeed  our   anticipated   caller.     With  his
 undulate  motive  power traveling at what may possibly  have  been  more
 vertiginous velocity  than patriotic   alar  predators,  he  vociferated
 loudly,   expelled   breath  musically  through  contracted  labia,  and
 addressed each of the  octet  by his  or  her  respective  cognomen  ...
 "Now   Dasher, now Dancer..."  et al. -- guiding them to  the  uppermost
 exterior  level  of   our  abode,  through  which   structure   I  could
 readily  distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32  cloven  pedal
 extremities.
 
      As I retracted my cranium from  its  erstwhile  location,  and  was
 performing  a  180-degree  pivot,  our  distinguished  visitant achieved
 -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way  of  the
 smoke  passage.  He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon
 residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated
 on the walls thereof.  His resemblance to a street vendor  I  attributed
 largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
 a commodious cloth receptacle.
 
      His  orbs  were  scintillant  with  reflected luminosity, while his
 submaxillary  dermal  indentations  gave  every  evidence  of   engaging
 amiability.    The  capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance
 were engorged with blood which suffused  the  subcutaneous  layers,  the
 former  approximating  the  coloration  of  Albion's  floral emblem, the
 latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.  His amusing sub-  and
 supralabials  resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
 ambient hirsuite facial  adornment  appeared  like  small,  tabular  and
 columnar crystals of frozen water.
 
      Clenched  firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray
 fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
 decorative seasonal circlet of holly.  His visage was wider than it  was
 high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
 undulated  in  the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
 container.
 
      Without utterance and  with  dispatch,  he  commenced  filling  the
 aforementioned  hosiery  with articles of merchandise extracted from his
 aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.    Upon
 completion  of  this  task,  he  executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
 single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition  to  his  olfactory  organ,
 inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith
 affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.  He
 then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
 musical  expulsion  of  air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
 antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement
 hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a  common
 weed.    But  I  overheard  his parting exclamation, audible immediately
 prior to his vehiculation beyond the  limits  of  visibility:  "Ecstatic
 yuletides   to   the  planetary  constituence,  and  to  that  self-same
 assemblage  my  sincerest  wishes  for  a  salubriously  beneficial  and
 gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."



12
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Is There a Santa Claus?



As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from
that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to
present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1)  No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa
has ever seen.

2)  There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.  One presumes
there's at least one good child in each.

3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seemes logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),
we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2
million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4)  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine.  We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.  Again, for 
comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5)  353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second.  Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
times greater than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now.



13
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Rabbit's Ph.D. Thesis:

                                A Parable for Graduate Students



Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside
his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit: "My thesis."

Fox: "Hmmm. What's it about?"

Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(incredulous pause)

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

Rabbit: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the
rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you're writing?"

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
(loud guffaws)

Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox 
bones.  In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the 
room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

   (The End)

 Moral:
    It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
    It doesn't matter what you use for data.
    What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.



14
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If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes

                           How many can you solve? (Answers below)



1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of
a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size
of which was unspecified.  One member of the team precipitantly descended,
sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his
anatomical structure.  Subsequently, the second member of the team
performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken
by the first member.

2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one
researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable
to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber.  By reciprocal
arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viands
under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of
the viands devoid of contents.

3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting
structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involved
in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual
observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival.  Insertion into the
saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed
by removal of a drupe of genus prune.  Subsequently the subject made a
declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a
young male human.

4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity
were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an
agriculturalist's marital adjunct.  Said adjunct then performed triple
caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used
for the subdivision of edible tissue.

5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a small
immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of which
reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to
that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water.
Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the
probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the same
pathway.

6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was
questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used
for production of various types of flora. The tract components were
enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceaninc
growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.


1.      Jack and Jill went up the hill
        To fetch a pail of water.
        Jack fell down and broke his crown,
        And Jill came tumbling after.

2.      Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
        His wife could eat no lean.
        And so.......(I don't remember the words)
        They ate the platter clean.

3.      Little Jack Horner
        Sat in the corner
        Eating his Christmas pie
        He stuck in his thumb
        And pulled out a plum
        And said "What a good boy am I!"

4.      Three blind mice, three blind mice
        See how they run, see how they run.
        They all ran after the farmer's wife
        Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
        Did you ever see such a sight in your life
        As three blind mice.

5.      Mary had a Little Lamb
        Whose fleece was white as snow.
        And everywhere that Mary went,
        The lamb was sure to go.

6.      Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
        How does your garden grow.
        With silver bells, and cockle shells
        And pretty maidens, all in a row.



15
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A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

                              by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky

                         from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1



As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that 
present hazards to the general public.  Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
surface of what is really necessary in this important area.  This is especially
true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in
an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement
of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered
for sale in the United States of America.  Our Suggested list of required
warnings appears below.

Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance
Between Them.

Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles per Hour.

Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Your NeighborUs Domicile.  The Manufacturer Will Not
Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This
Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million
Years.

This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will
Result.

Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This
Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically
Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional.  However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and
Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They
Cannot Be Detected.

Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or
Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the
User.

Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space.  Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.




The jokes continue below

 


16
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Save the Yeasts



                      EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
                              IS BAKED,
                            APPROXIMATELY
                        150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
                                KILLED.

                 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
                  "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
        -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.

"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."

                +------------------------------------+
                | Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
                |    Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19    |
                +------------------------------------+
============================================================================
                             SPONSORED BY
                Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
               Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
              Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
                   Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
============================================================================
   Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"



            This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.



17
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Why you should learn to use algebra . . . 



After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be
reached of the secret to wealth and success.
Here it goes.

     Knowledge is Power
     Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
     Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

     K = P (1)
     T = M (2)
     P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:

     Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
     K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

     K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:

     Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

     1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
     2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:

     M = W/K (6)
     Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless
of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:

     The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get

     W = M K (7)
     Work equals Money times Knowledge

From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:

     The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the
reader.


18
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   A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never
   be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
   A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
   English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
   languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
   negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
   form a negative."
   A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


19
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   Technical Night Before Christmas

   'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
   Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
   activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
   including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
   Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
   burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
   regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist
   among
   whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
   The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
   accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconcious visual
   hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
   through their cerebrums.
   My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal had coverings,
   were
   about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon
   the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a
   cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
   from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise
   source thereof.
   Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
   this
   fenestration, nothing thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
   reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
   precipitation, might be said rival that of the solar meridian itself -
   thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
   miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
   specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged
   chauffeur
   so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
   apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.
   With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have
   been
   more vertignious velocity than patriotic alar predators, he
   vociferated
   loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
   addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
   Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost level of
   our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
   concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal
   extremities.
   As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
   performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
   with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by wary of the
   smoke passage.
   He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from
   oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
   thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
   the
   plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodius
   cloth receptacle.
   His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
   submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
   amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal
   appurtenance
   were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
   former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
   latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.
   His amusing sub and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common
   loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like
   small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly
   between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes forming a
   tenuous elllipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
   seasonal circlet of holly.
   His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly
   mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
   impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in
   short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian
   gnome,
   the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite
   every effort to refrain from so being.
   By rapidly lowering and than elevating one eyelid and rotating his
   head
   slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
   groundless.
   Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
   aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
   articles of merchandise extracted from the aforementioned previously
   dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
   Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt aboutface,
   placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory
   organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and
   forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
   passage.
   He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance,
   directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral
   sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
   aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing
   portions of a common weed.
   But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to
   his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide
   to
   the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
   sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly
   pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.


20
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    Speaking of spelling, here's a news bulletin ........
   The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
   English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
   which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
   Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
   improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be
   known as "EuroEnglish."
   In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this
   will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
   dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and
   keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
   There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
   troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words
   like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
   In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
   to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
   Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
   always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
   horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and
   they should go away.
   By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
   with "z" and the "w" with "v."
   During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
   kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
   kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl
   vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil
   find it easy tu understand each ozer.
   ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!


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