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                  Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals
                                      
                           Objectionable Methods
                                      
                   By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995
     
   
TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257

BAILIFF:  Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...

DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.

JUDGE:  To what?

DEFENSE:  Nothing, your honor.  We're just warming up.

PROSECUTION:  Your honor, the people would like to state that we also
  have no objections at this time.

DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  Every time the defense says some-
  thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.

PROSECUTION:  The people do not.

DEFENSE:  Do too.

PROSECUTION:  Do not.

DEFENSE:  Do too.

DEFENDANT:  OK, stop, I confess!  I'm guilty!

JUDGE (sternly):  Order in the court!  (To prosecution):  Proceed.

PROSECUTION:  Where were we?

JUDGE (checking his notes):  You were on "Do not."

PROSECUTION:  Oh, right, thanks.  Do not.

DEFENSE:  Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the
  defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F.
  Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.

PROSECUTION:  Objection, your honor.  The people have reason to believe
  that that is not really F. Lee Bailey.

   (A murmer runs through the courtroom.)

JUDGE:  Dammit, bailiff!  I ordered the murmers removed from this
  courtroom!

BAILIFF (drawing his gun):  We'll take care of it, sir.

PROSECUTION:  Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly
  ever SAYS anything?  He just sits there, day after day, not moving.
  The people request permission to stick him with a pin.

JUDGE:  I'll allow it.

F. LEE BAILEY:  sssssssssssss

JUDGE:  Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat-
  able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.

DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  That suit cost $1,500.

JUDGE WAPNER:  Do you have a receipt?

DEFENSE:  Objection!  This judge is from a completely different TV
  show!

JUDGE:  I'll sustain the objection.

DEFENSE:  Which one?

JUDGE:  I have no idea.  Let's proceed with the expert witness.

PROSECUTION (to witness):  Please state your name and the size of your
  book advance.

EXPERT WITNESS:  My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is
  $350,000.

PROSECUTION:  And who will be playing you in the movie version?

EXPERT WITNESS:  We are thinking Brad Pitt.

DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  We were thinking of Brad Pitt to
  play us.

PROSECUTION:  Brad Pitt?  YOU?  Your honor, the people request permis-
  sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.

DEFENSE (sarcastically):  And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be
  played by Demi Moore?

PROSECUTION:  Sharon Stone.

JUDGE:  I'll allow it.  Proceed.

PROSECUTION:  Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?

EXPERT WITNESS:  I am.

PROSECUTION:  And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this
  way, or the way the people wore it before?

EXPERT WITNESS:  This way.

JUDGE:  What about my beard?

EXPERT WITNESS:  With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more
  impressive facial hair on a coconut.

(Laughter.)

JUDGE (angrily):  Bailiff!  Where is that laughter coming from?

BAILIFF:  From inside a set of parentheses.

JUDGE:  I'll allow it.  Continue.

PROSECUTION:  Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B.  Can you
  identify this item for the court?

EXPERT WITNESS (examining it):  Yes.  That is a DNA molecule belonging
  to the defendant.

DEFENSE:  Objection!  We can't see the exhibit!

PROSECUTION:  Of COURSE you can't, you idiot.  It's a MOLECULE.

EXPERT WITNESS:  Or a poppy seed.  There's a 73 per cent chance either
  way.

PROSECUTION:  Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert
  words, what "DNA" stands for?

EXPERT WITNESS:  Yes.

PROSECUTION:  I see.  Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as
  an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or
  poppy seed at the scene of the...

EXPERT WITNESS:  Tell WHAT jury?

JUDGE:  Dammit, bailiff!  The jury escaped again!

(Another murmer runs through the court.)

GUN:  BANG!

BAILIFF:  I got the murmer, your honor!

DEFENSE:  Objection!  The bailiff shot a reporter for The National
  Enquirer.

JUDGE:  I'll allow it.

PROSECUTION:  Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to
  track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask
  the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.

JUDGE:  Of course.

DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  As counsel for the defendant, we
  cannot...

JUDGE:  Hey!  Where's the defendant?
  





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