A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts
Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a
traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying
the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal,
speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it,"
or "The smeller's the feller."
Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox
publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines
of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted
in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.
Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa
1880 - see also "SBD's").
Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism
frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceled
Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and
permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably
anonymous, having left the room.
Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at
least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a
series; originator betrays disappointment.
Fudgies: See Wet Ones.
One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usually
signified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge
chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce
blushes, giggles, glares.
Poohs: Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking
sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.
SBD's: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistant with the Law of
Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is
compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism
responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about
Screamers: High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishing
duration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomates
or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.
Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.
Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all
Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are
accompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous
content. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walking
Whiffers: see Poohs.