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                                  College
                                      
                               by Dave Barry
     
   
  Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about
  going to college.  (That is, of course, a lie.  The only things you
  young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex.  Trust
  me: these are closely related to college.)

    College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly
  two thousand hours and try to memorize things.  The two thousand
  hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
  sleeping and trying to get dates.
    Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

    * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).  These
  include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and
  crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.

    * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
  These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology,
  - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on.  The idea is, you memorize these
  things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them.
  If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
  in college for the rest of your life.

    It's very difficult to forget everything.  For example, when I was
  in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of
  three metaphysical poets other than John Donne.  I have managed to
  forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were
  named Vaughan and Crashaw.  Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember
  something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed
  in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in
  my mind, right there in the supermarket.  It's a terrible waste of
  brain cells.

    After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
  choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
  forget the most things about.  Here is a very important piece of
  advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
  and Right Answers.

   This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology,
  or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts.  If, for
  example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class
  one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of
  the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result
  to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly*
  the answer the professor has in mind, you fail.  The same is true of
  chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen
  combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you.  He wants you to
  come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
  agreed on.  Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

    So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
  psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really
  understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
  virtually no actual facts.  I attended classes in all these
  subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

    ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have
  read little snippets of just before class.  Here is a tip on how to
  get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a
  book that anybody with any common sense would say.  For example,
  suppose you are studying Moby-Dick.  Anybody with any common sense
  would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters
  in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
  times.  So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the
  Republic of Ireland.  Your professor, who is sick to death of
  reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
  enormously creative.  If you can regularly come up with lunatic
  interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

    PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
  deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.
  You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

    PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
  Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams.  I once spent an
  entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
  sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing.  The rat
  learned much faster.  My roommate is now a doctor.

    If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats,
  you should major in psychology.

    SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
  away the number one subject.  I sat through hundreds of hours of
  sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
  once heard or read a coherent statement.  This is because
  sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
  their time translating simple, obvious observations into
  scientific-sounding code.  If you plan to major in sociology, you'll
  have to learn to do the same thing.  For example, suppose you have
  observed that children cry when they fall down.  You should write:
  "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
  of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists
  between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior
  forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will
  get a large government grant.
  





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