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                        How To Give Your Cat a Pill
     
   
1.  Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
    if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
    kitty."  Drop pill into its mouth.
2.  Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3.  Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
    hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
    mouth with right forefinger.
4.  Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
    to get new cat.)
5.  Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
    bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
    over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
    mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
    your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
    doing. That's just as well.
6.  Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7.  If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8.  Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
    and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
    anyway?"  Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9.  This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
    claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
    floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
    flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
    woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
    at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
  





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