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Long, but really funny


...from a Company in USA.

 DATE:    October 01, 2003

RE:         Christmas Party

       I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take 
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at 
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll 
have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. 
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A 
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees 
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make 
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only 
for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

      Merry Christmas to you and your family.

      Patty
      
===============================================================

      FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

      TO:         All Employees

      DATE:    October 02, 2003

      RE:         Holiday Party

       In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish 
employees.  We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which 
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. 
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same 
policy applies to any other employees who are not C! hristians or those 
still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree 
present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for 
your enjoyment.

      Happy now?

      Happy Holidays to you and your family.

      Patty

        
===============================================================      

      FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

      TO:        All Employees

      DATE:   October 03, 2003

      RE:        Holiday Party

       Regarding the note I received from a member of Alco! holics 
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. 
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table 
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I 
supposed to handle this?

      Somebody?

      Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed 
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives 
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

      NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

===============================================================

      FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

      To:        All Employees

      DATE:   October 04, 2003

      RE:        Holiday Party
     

      What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins 
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking 
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate 
how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim 
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your 
meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to 
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've 
arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from  The dessert 
buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. 
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with 
Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower 
arrangement for the Gay men'! s table. To the person asking permission to 
cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats 
for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We 
cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with 
high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert 
for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

      Did I miss anything?!?!?

      Patty

        
===============================================================      

      FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

      TO:         All Fucking Employees

      DATE:    October  05, 2003

      RE:         The Fucking Holiday Party

       

      Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to 
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can 
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so 
quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic 
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you 
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I 
hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, 

      The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

===============================================================

      FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


      DATE:   October  06, 2003

      RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
       

      I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy 
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, 
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the 
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

       
      Happy Holidays


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