The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired
Chapter 1 - The Resume
Your resume is a crucial document that summarises the
essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab
a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering
wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of
her parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well
run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the
appliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to
To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written
equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your
picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10
glossies from Glamour Shots on top.
Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
saleable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best
"spin" on a job seeker's skills:
"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."
A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a "Grill Co-ordinator", or perhaps a
"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."
Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication
Services!" Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."
"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."
You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by
referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist."
Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular
"I worked in telemarketing."
Die you scumbag.
"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
in a puddle of my own urine."
I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws
himself into his work!
Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your
resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
1) Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)
It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.
Chapter 2 - The Interview
So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once
again, you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider
your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a
lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available
in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and
consider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-
five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so
make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here's
some suggestions for opening lines:
"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,
that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,
it will be your last!"
Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider
handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear
super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin
Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A
gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new
dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr.
Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)"
And certainly don't forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining
order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour
thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.