New University Promos
It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The
the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they
just aren't getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash,
unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle
of 'Sesame Street' episodes, to differentiate themselves from their
BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose
ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are
you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are
you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman
year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do
you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social
life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are
you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know?
How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of
living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more
years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does
the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in
jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future
hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the
chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL --
The Big Red Tape!!!
DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away
from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to
drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling
on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you
hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math
math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!!
BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel
(but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your ass from your
elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination
enough to produce 24 variants of 'da weed' with a garden weasel and a
piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the
advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and
enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO
SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all
your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot
because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that
matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea
of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie
canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!