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Today's poems[10.8.98]

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I'm Glad I'm a Man



 I'm glad I'm a man, yes I am, I am king
 I don't live off of berries, bob-bons, and rings
 I don't brag to my girlfriends about my infections
 I won't talk to the blind man, concerning directions.

 I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could yell
 I don't shave my hair, wax, or use gel
 I don't buy wonder bras, or girdles or such
 and I don't beg for money to enlarge my bust.

 I'm glad I'm a man, of that I am proud.
 I'm not all bitchy, annoying and loud.
 I won't try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
 My crdit card is still good when I leave from the mall.

 Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
 I can pee standing up, sitting down, or in a tree
 I don't believe every ad with the word free

 I won't drink diet coke, or eat a rice cake.
 There's no silicone here, my chest isn't fake.
 My face isn't "lifted," my bra isn't stuffed,
 I do what's proper, I leave the toilet seat up.
 
 It doesn't take hours to fix up my hair,
 I don't see the need to use the bathroom in pairs.
 I won't throw a tyrade and then blame PMS.
 I'm a man, and I'm glad I can deal with my stress.

 I have intuition, I never get lost.
 I share household duties, I won't try to be boss.
 I'm a man and with that comes a high sense of class.
 I won't wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass.

 I won't go out at night in a black leather skirt,
 Then slap anybody who just tries to flirt.
 You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall,
 To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls.

 I won't cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
 I don't make up false places, like the infamous "G-spot."
 I'm a man of high faith, its my right to command.
 The bible and God say all women must serve under man.
 I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true--
 I'm glad I'm a man and not a woman like you.





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I'm Glad I'm A Woman I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
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