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There was a young fellow named Simon
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.
Send this poem to a friend 1 There once was an apple-cheeked runt
Who was welcomed with joy at the Front.
This God's gift to he-men
Prevented spilled semen,
For his ass was tattooed like a cunt.
Send this poem to a friend 2 There was a young girl of Claridge's
Who said, "What a strange thing marriage is,
When you stop to think
That I've poured down the sink
Five abortions and fifty miscarriages!"
Send this poem to a friend 3 A contortionist hailing from Lynch
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
A foot cost a quid---
He could and he did
Stretch it to three in a pinch.
Send this poem to a friend 4 There was a young lady of Joppa
Who came a society cropper.
She went to Ostend
With a gentlemen friend---
The rest of the story's improper.
Send this poem to a friend 5 A lad from far-off Transvaal
Was lustful, but tactful withal.
He'd say, just for luck,
"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
Send this poem to a friend 6 To the shrine which was Pallas Athena's
Young Bito (who'd learned about penis)
Brought her needles and thread
And scissors and said,
"You can stick them---I'm changing to Venus!"
Send this poem to a friend 7 To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
Send this poem to a friend 8 A cautious young husband named Rafe
Used to diddle his wife with a safe.
Thus he thwarted God's wishes
And fed his pet fishes,
Which he kept in a bedside carafe.
Send this poem to a friend 9