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When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have
waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled
with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through
a red light' five hundred times."
Send this joke to a friend 1 A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside
with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's
seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked
up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's
knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve
minutes she'll be eighteen."
Send this joke to a friend 2 The State of Florida had a problem. The drug bust over the years had filled
their storage areas with Marijuana. It was decided the only option was to
burn all of the Marijuana on hand. The eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana
was torched. The fire raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud.
At this time a flock of Tern's flew through this cloud.
A group of forest rangers (aka Their environmental watch dogs) were sent out
to assure the well-being of the Terns . They followed this flock until they
finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and
issue a report that read: Not a Tern was left unstoned.
Send this joke to a friend 3 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Send this joke to a friend 4 A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.
Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. the
pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began
tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the
pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending
his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry for
what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please
make this bear a Christian".
Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell
to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and
said "God bless this food which I am about to receive!"
Send this joke to a friend 5 God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.
He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers and it was done.
She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,
"What am I going to do with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
Send this joke to a friend 6 A Mexican, a black, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when a
good-looking girl comes up to them and says "whoever can say liver and
cheese in a sentence can have me". So the white guy says
"I love liver and cheese." she says "that's not good enough."
The black says "I hate liver and cheese", and she says "that's not
creative", and then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine."
Send this joke to a friend 7 Q. How do you keep the neighborhood kids off your front lawn?
A. You molest them!.
Send this joke to a friend 8 A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hard
to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it. So he thought it
would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and
on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the
nearest train station. After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into
the wagon and then headed for thier honeymoon home. They had traveled only two
miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to
its feet. He looked at the horse and said "THATS ONE" and got back in the wagon
smiled at the woman and continued on thier way. They traveled only another two
miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon
to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse "THATS TWO". He took his seat
beside his new bride and continued on thier way. After traveling another two
miles the horse stumbled for the third time. The rancher got out of the wagon
carrying his rifle, he walk up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes,
saying"THATS THREE". He turn to the wagon only to hear his new bride say "why
in the hell did you do that for, now we have to walk". The rancher turn to the
woman and said "THATS ONE".
Send this joke to a friend 9 One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the most important and I
should be in charge."
The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick
anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important
and I should be in charge."
The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for
the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."
The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in
Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do
anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all
wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and
agreed to put the rectum in charge.
Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be
in charge, just an a - - hole.
Send this joke to a friend 10