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Today's jokes[10.3.98]

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The young lady admired the watch in the store window every 
time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day 
and said, "Just how much is that watch?"

"It's $2000, ma'am."

"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"

"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

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His And Hers ATMs HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it. 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake
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In a Texas bar,The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the regulars.So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them "whip 'em out".Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar,at the same time a gay guy walks into the bar.Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get for him.The gay guy replies "i was going to get a beer,but i'll check your buffett first"
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A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicoloured hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son."
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There is 2 fags walking down the beach. They are holding hands and kicking the sand with their feet. One happens to kick a lamp that is lying buried in the sand. He pick it up and starts to clean it off. All of a sudden a Genie comes out of the lamp. Genie, " Man, I don't believe it. I have stuck in that bottle for 2 thousand years and the first person to come along and find me is a fag. I am suppose to give you 3 wishes but I just can't do it. I won't even give you 2. I will give you one wish and that is it. What will it be." The 2 fags are excited about getting their wish but couldn't come up with what they wanted to wish for on such short notice. Fag1 says," Could you give us just a little time to think about it? I mean one wish we need a little time." The Genie looks down and says, "Alright you can take as long as you want but I am not going to stay here until you come up with it. I just can't stand the sight of you two. Whenever youmake me your mind just wish for it and it will done." At that moment the Genie grabs his bottle and flys off into the sky. Well the two fags decide that they will go back to the motel room and decide on what they will wish for. Once they got back their emotions took over and they starting doing all that fag stuff. Right as they were getting into it, the door of their room gets busted down and 6 men in white sheets come in. They grab the fags and throw a rope around their necks. Fag1 looks at Fag2 and says, " You know this might be a good time use our wish." Fag2 says, "I already made it." Fag1 " What the hell did you wish for?" Fag2 " Well, I wish that we were hung like two niggers."
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God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.' And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.' And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years. And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
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You know why a dog licks his ass? Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.
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buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women? It comes with a 16 inch applicator
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Ken: So Mr. President did you ever buy Lewinsky any gifts Prez: I don't rightly recall ... actually I did once splash out on a dress for her
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