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Today's jokes[10.26.98]

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A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the
bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other
one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the
same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's
going on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"? The
man smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my date
drunk."



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1
Q. Why is psycho- analysis so much easier for men rather than women? A. Because when it comes time to revert to childhood, men are already there.
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2
A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."
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3
A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife. He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.
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4
Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at the local bar. One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." His friend replied, "Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loose women' ya always hear about." "You don't say." said the first man. "Bet that was costly." "Nope." Jeb smirked. "Kinfolk."at the local bar. One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." His friend replied, "Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loose women' ya always hear about." "You don't say." said the first man. "Bet that was costly." "Nope." Jeb smirked. "Kinfolk."
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5
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says "I want my $20 million." To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
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6
How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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7
Why doesn't Hillary wear short dress? Her balls would show.
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8
Why don't cannibals eat comedians? They taste funny.
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9
On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll? Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.
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10

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