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Today's jokes[10.24.98]

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One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.

Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.

“Fuck me” shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.

“What the fuck are you doing that for?” says Smartie.

“That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see

him, so I’m hiding from him” says Polo.

“You should stand up to him” says Smartie. “He’ll respect you more

if you do”

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.

“Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I’ll knock the fucking shit out of

you” says Polo.

“Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink” says Humbug.

“Told you so” says Smartie.

The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in

walks Humbug with his mate, Tune.

“Fuck me” shouts Polo again diving under the table.

“What the fuck are you doing that for again” says Smartie.

“I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune” says Polo.

“So what?” says Smartie.

“He’s fucking menthol” says Polo.

sent by Steve Butler






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1
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two- faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.
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2
A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me." The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."
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3
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
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4
Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky: - Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill - She sucks - She blows - She's bloated - She's the focus of a huge legal battle - She'll go down in a heartbeat Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?
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5
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. "Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"
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6
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
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7
How do you confuse a blond? You don't, they're born that way.
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8
How do you get a one armed MAN out of a tree? Wave at him.
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9
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common? They are four ways you can lose your house!
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10

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