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Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear
tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car
goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug
nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when
he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the
inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other
three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage
Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes
the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.
Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was
pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not
because I'm stupid."
Send this joke to a friend 1 A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got
any fresh fruit?"
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."
The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry
goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same
question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."
On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?"
"Got any fresh fruit?"
Send this joke to a friend 2 A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said
as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression,
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,
Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Send this joke to a friend 3 I was shopping at our local supermarket.
When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of
As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her,
"Paper or plastic?"
"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."
Send this joke to a friend 4 Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who were
ordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second night
out on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the rail,
looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really starting
Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews fell screaming into the
ocean. They came up gasping and spluttering and saw the ship sailing
away from them into the darkness. As Isaac had fallen overboard he had
managed to grab a life preserver, and now he clung to it, desperately
treading water. "Hyman!" he called out, "Hyman, can you float alone?"
"Oy vay!" called out Hymie from the dark waters. "Vat a time to
Send this joke to a friend 5 A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a
judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He
asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the
license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they
had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice
versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in
the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued
licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there
are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and
any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
Send this joke to a friend 6 A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites his family to a
dinner. He then stands up to thank everyone.
"First I must thank my beautiful wife for her help and support, then
I want to thank my children, and the lottery commission."
"Then I would like to thank Adolf Hitler". Suddenly everyone was
silent as he showed some numbers tatooed on his forearm and said,
"For the winning numbers".
Send this joke to a friend 7 After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.
So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.
The doctor took time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just take
this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow."
So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little
bottle. It was empty.
The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, " Problems?" he said.
"Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. " I went home and
straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I
tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife
upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't
do it. "
"So what did you do?" said the doctor.
" We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure
she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc,
she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!!"
"But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!"
Send this joke to a friend 8 There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound
like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really
want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.
I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
Send this joke to a friend 9 Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life.
When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
Send this joke to a friend 10