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Today's jokes[10.13.98]

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Two fags are on a picnic,and the first guy says,"I have to take a
dumpski,"and he walks into the woods to do it.
  Several minutes later,the other guy hears the first guy crying
"Boo Hoo,I Had A Miscarriage.I Had A Miscarriage."
  He runs into the woods to see what is going on.
  When he gets there,the first guy is still crying,"Boo-Hoo I Had A
Miscarriage...
   He looks down and says,"Don't be silly.You didn't have a miscarraige.You
had diarrhea on a toad."



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1
Did you hear the one about the guy who had five penises ? He had a pair of underpants that fitted him like a glove.....
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2
This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch. He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I'm busting to have a piss". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind these bushes". She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!". "No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
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3
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.
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4
What does Bill say to prospective interns? "Haven't I cum across your face before?"
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5
When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked Chris when he boarded. "Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."
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6
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too." Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?" Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?" Sam says, "How about rose?" "Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
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7
Two buddies get together and decide to go to a whorehouse, one of them tired of doing it with his wife all the time, the other not having it done for a long time. Anyways the married one goes up and comes down and says " My wife is much better". "Allright" goes the other guy, " Let me go try the same woman." Well he goes and screws the whore, comes than says to his buddy, " You are right man, Your wife is much better."
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8
Why are the N.Y. Giants like a tampon? They're only good for one period and have no second string.
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9
What do the Pope and the Giants have in common? Both cram 30,000 fans in a stadium and end up saying JESUS CHRIST!!
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10

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