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A father came home from a long business trip to find his son
riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the
money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone,
Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see
Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Send this joke to a friend 1 One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500
pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman,
pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on,
and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and
scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more
then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding
and figured that as long as they have to be with these women,
they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel /
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with
this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm
dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
Send this joke to a friend 2 A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a
while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."
He says, "Why's that?"
She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen
Send this joke to a friend 3 During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was
asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You
undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor,
I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
Send this joke to a friend 4 Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Send this joke to a friend 5 Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at
the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a
replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to
be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced
his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the
best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking
his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to
the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man
was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but
the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by
the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach
cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse
himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing
through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon,
scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By
now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so
disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he
finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers
and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into
Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard
her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
Send this joke to a friend 6 There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night
and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a
virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't
worry about you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11
Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs
Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with
her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck
between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it
came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the
time of your life!!!"
Send this joke to a friend 7 The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."
The CO said "I see millions of stars."
1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
Send this joke to a friend 8 A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband
liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the
husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that
morning and took a nap.
While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was
not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the
boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside
the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says,
"Reading my book."
The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area
and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied,
"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and
write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady
told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't
even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the
Send this joke to a friend 9 The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club. "Hey, baby,
would you help me 'raise my mast'?"
"No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your
ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."
Send this joke to a friend 10