Today's jokes [4.5.21]
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Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She
looks surprised and says, I don't have a headache!"
He says, "Aha!"
The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort
in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy
their two week vacation/honeymoon.
The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi
Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once
inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"
The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm
going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering
I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice
holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along
my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my
grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They
look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the
freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried
Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a
good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over
again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would
have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of
my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating
off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used
to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the
frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about
sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive
family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling
grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the
black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."
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