Today's jokes [4.4.21]

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   Version 1.
   
   This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was
   awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs
   and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and
   masturbating with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to
   bed.
   
   The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some
   liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left. The
   customer was really annoyed, she pointed to the corner of the shop and
   asked, "No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right
   over there?"
   
   The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in-law."
   

An old man and woman were married for years even though 
they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, 
screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A 
constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the 
man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the 
grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible 
for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He 
was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral 
had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to 
the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. 

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her 
neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are 
you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who 
practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig 
his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for 
the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. 
I had him buried upside down."

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the 
police.  "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your 
car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The 
juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches 
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the 
driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test 
they're giving now!"

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it
cause it was prettier than most.
The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".
I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?"
I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."

Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.

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