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Today's jokes [2.23.21]

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Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates
of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a
long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside. After
a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82.
I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..." 

1. 




Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a 
secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no 
to everything."
"Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl replied.
"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on the
level about this."

2. 




The Speed of Time by Age



 0-9  Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going
      to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it
      Christmas yet?"

10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks
      actually move backwards just before the bell rings.

20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet
      paychecks seem further and further apart.

30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone
      and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most
      common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"

40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he
      might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he
      said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be
      slowing down?

60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59?

70 +  Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like
      they're over in a couple weeks.



3. 




There's a fire at the whorehouse

-- some come out running and others run out coming!

4. 




What is old, wrinkled, and hangs out your underwear? 

Your Mother...

5. 



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