Today's jokes [2.22.21]

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A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up 
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on 
her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test 
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the 
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a 
couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?
A: Straight through the rib cage.

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,
it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and
receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and
generally have a blast without doing anything remotely
related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits
that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to
talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by
your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is
to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars.

   A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The
   marine finishes first and
   washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine
   says to him: hey, in the
   marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The
   sailor says: yeah well, in
   the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.
   

   A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
   husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
   was such a good idea.
   
   The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
   
   She said that she did.
   
   He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
   
   She said no.
   
   The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
   shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
   take care not to get pregnant."
   
   The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal
   sex?"
   
   The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
   

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