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Today's jokes [2.13.21]

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(This joke requires the use a small visual.  I'll describe the visual
first, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it)   
Visual:  Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands also
stretched wide open.
Joke:  Why did the blonde want to date Jesus?  She heard he was (use
visual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!


    A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for
   his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives
   off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a
   Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
   (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
   some variant.
   One student, however, wrote the following:
   First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
   we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
   they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
   gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
   for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
   religions that exist in the world today.
   Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
   religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
   religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
   can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
   death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
   increase exponentially.
   Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
   Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
   Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
   added. This gives two possibilities:
   #1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
   enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
   until all Hell breaks loose.
   #2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
   of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
   Hell freezes over.
   So which is it?
   If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
   Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
   with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
   succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true,
   and so Hell is exothermic.
   The student got the only A.


A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having
a little chat.  "How are you, Tom?" asked Marvin.
"I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled a
muscle and it's killing me."
"That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though."
"Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times...."


   After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance
   blossomed, and they
   really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the
   opportunity to sneak into a
   supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very tight,
   and difficult to enter,
   but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I
   had known you were a
   virgin, I would have taken more time!" To which Jane replies "If I'd
   known you had more
   time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"


A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her
   looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
   He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a
   monkey. What an ugly kid."
   The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing
   uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to
   console her.
   He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get
   off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a
   banana for your monkey."


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