Today's poems [1.21.21]

Vote for the poem that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to poem categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your poem reading.

The Night Before Christmas



Twas the night before Christmas, 
And all through the house, 
Everybody felt shitty, 
Even the mouse.

With mom at the whore house
And Dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down 
For a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn 
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter.

Then out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick,
And I knew in a moment
That it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney 
Like a bat out of hell,
And I knew right away
That the fucker had fell.

He filled all our stockings 
With pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick
For my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart; 
The damn son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed,
As he rode out of sight,
"Piss on you all,
And have a hell of a night!"

A morbid young lady named Jean 
               Was known as the Masochist Queen. 
                    She used thistles and cacti 
                    In pursuit of her practi, 
               In a manner both odd and obscene. 

Owed to the Spelling Checker



I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule
The checker pour o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Be fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if were lacks or have a laps,
We wood be maid to wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of non eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft ware four pea seas.
And why I brake in two averse
By righting want too pleas.

Comming home at a quarter of three
I caught my wife cheating on me
I raged, "Who's this fink?"
She cried with a wink
"I don't know, It's a new one on me."

Login incorrect.

Only perfect spellers may

enter this system.

By voting you are helping select today's best poem. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best poems to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Jokes Today's Stories Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   January '21 Poems Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31