Today's jokes [1.8.21]
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One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing
him there, decides to investigate.
"Whatcha doin?" he asked. Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Mongo shot back, "That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat!'
New scientific theories
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its
feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered
side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the
ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace
pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"
could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting
drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told
me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so
much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have
When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says,
"Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on
his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in
your purse. I'm done."
This was originally posted in rec.sport.pro-wrestling
I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I
thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they
punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda'
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap
monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one.
He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
I like monkeys.
Q: Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
A: They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
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